


soft-shell

by HolyMangos



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Family Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Team as Family, and what better way to do that than through constant research??, donnie overthinks, he wants to handle feelings better, his brothers worry, understandably so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-08-01 08:19:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16280948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyMangos/pseuds/HolyMangos
Summary: They’ve got a long way to go from understanding the craziness that life throws at them on a daily basis, and Donnie’s realizing along the way that he’s not the best at talking about how he’s feeling. Not like his brothers can. Not like how April is.Donnie’s a soft-shell, but he’s notsoft.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A look into how Donnie deals with emotions or “softness.”  
> Updates will most likely be weekly. I hope you enjoy!

There's something to be said about the way he rids himself of any type of emotional conversation.

In times, this ability is convenient. _He's the funny one for crying out loud,_ whether or not his brothers agree. He tries to be funny, because in the midst of this crazy world he's spent so much of his life hiding from, that's what he has. His ability to turn any type of emotional conversation into that of a emotionless joke. It makes Mikey laugh more often than not, and normally Leo and Raph grin along. There's playful teasing after the banter from the four of them, and they go back and forth almost like that deep conversation about _feelings_ was never a thing.

Donnie knows this isn't right, this isn't how he should handle this type of stuff. His brothers tell him they love him and although he says it back, there's no emotion in that tone. And then, he cracks a joke about how they obviously want something from him because _of course_ that's what it is.

Raph is a softie. Mikey and him have always worn their hearts on their sleeves, ever since they were small. Leo thinks of himself as the coolest, but he, too, has no problem with those hard conversations that leave Donnie so wrecked with feelings of vulnerability.

Leonardo will be the first to whine, to laugh, doesn't matter because _emotions_ have never been a problem for him. Or for any of Donnie's brothers. They are not reserved in how they present themselves; they don't shy away from talking about the deep stuff. Only he has to deal with either the constant pit in his stomach that swells like it's sucking in his vital organs or the dead inside, no feelings whatsoever mode that comes so naturally when anyone wants to discuss something less lighthearted than ninja training or pizza toppings.

Donnie is not soft. Donnie is hard. And this is a even more difficult pill to swallow, knowing that he's a _soft_ -shell. Oh, the irony of it all would be simply brilliant if it weren’t such a hard thing to comprehend.

He builds incredible, high tech devices that if he were human, he'd be winning only the most prestigious prizes for. Donnie pictures that scenario over and over in his dreams. Him accepting awards, ultimately granting him the best and most valid bragging rights against all his competitors. His brothers, father, and April cheer him on in the background. It's a nice dream, and it always ends with his family's truckload of compliments and congratulations and general _love_. Donnie never feels awkward accepting it then, and the issue of how he's not emotionally soft like his brothers never comes up in this dream.

In real life, things are so much different, but Donnie knows he _is_ getting better at least. Group hugs have become such a common ordeal, he's no longer afraid to ask for one. There's times where they all act like the young children they once were, building blanket forts and rolling on top of each other gleefully until it results in either a joyful hug or a heart-to-heart. Donnie dreads the latter, but he's good with the former because this general display of affection has become so commonplace within their little circle. Somewhere along the way of their lives, group hugs shifted.

Donnie reminds himself of this when he thinks his emotionless passion won't get better. There's proof that it does, that it _can_ , otherwise he'd be running for the hills any time he embraced his kin. There's proof that things _are_ getting better. But that never stops Donnie from weaseling his way out of a deep conversation that involves _love_ and _communication_ and _feelings_ and _family_. No matter who with.

"Dad, don't forget! We're sleeping over at April's, don't wait up." Leo's voice hollers down the hall. Donnie slips the goggles off his eyes and and exes out of his computer, signing off from the stuff about how to deal with _feelings_ before anybody else can see.

"Don," Raph's tapping on the wall to his lab. "Time to go."

"Coming!" Donnie's up and at 'em within seconds as he jumps out of the chair and speed walks over to where his brothers are so patiently waiting.

Sleeping over at April's is good. Sleeping over at April's is normal. It'll get him out of his head for a little while at least, and really that's probably what he needs at this point. Ever since his little epiphany about how horribly _hard_ he is, he's done nothing but research and think through different situations that prove it, and its been driving him mad ever since.

At some point, their father waves goodbye to them, reminds them to be safe and to bring back any leftovers, if they decide not to devour everything first of course. Mikey laughs at that, and it pulls Donnie away from his thoughts for a mere couple seconds.

* * *

"—we can take whatever comes our way. We're the ninja mutant turtle teens, April! We totally got your back."

April snorts, as Raph mutters _we didn't decide on that name,_ but no matter, because shes back with her typical quick response. "Got _my_ back? I got yours, hun."

Leo beams and they fist bump from across the couch. Over Donnie, who's the only one watching the movie Leo had begged to put on. _Figures_.

Ever since they arrived at April's, _ever since they started the movie_ , they've done nothing but talk and ramble about the growing mutation crisis sweeping New York. Donnie knows its bad, knows it's a serious issue that concerns them all, and he'd be fine with sharing statistics or records of mutant sightings, but no, no, no. When April bought this up, she asked how they were feeling about it. _Because she, herself, is kinda worried and figures Raph, Leo, Mikey and Donnie are too._

Donnie hates the irony of it all, hates how the universe is so cruel to him. Any time he figures something out about himself, something has to happen. He realizes he's not soft, _but it's funny 'cause he's a soft-shell._ He realizes this hardness stems from his inability to properly discuss feelings, _he goes to his best friend's house and everybody but him wants to talk about feelings_.

Donnie got up when this started to go get a glass of ice water. It's something to do and a good distraction for when he's sitting back down and they want to talk to him. He's glad he came up with that. He's glad he doesn't feel as weird as he once did.

Donnie sips at his water when Raph goes on some type of spiel about how all the mutant clubs and bars have never felt more crowded, and it was cool at first because _hey, more people like us_ , which Donnie has to agree with, but now it's just really screwed up and freaking him out.

Mikey nods along, mumbling his agreement. And then there's silence for a couple seconds. Sweet, relieving silence that makes Donnie feel like, all a sudden, it's okay. But then, of course, April's gotta speak up because _there's no possible way he could just have a normal sleepover with his brothers and best friend, right?_

Normal was thrown out the window a long time ago with this group, he figures, but regardless he wishes tonight they could just do their regular sleepover activities. _Watch movies, eat popcorn, laugh, go on adventures, mess around with April's makeup_..

"I don't know guys, it's just weirding me out. Even my parents know about the whole mutant outbreak at this point. They don't know what's causing it. Of course. But—"

"—But it's ruining people's lives." Mikey finishes.

April eyes widen. And Donnie puts down the drink he's awkwardly holding for the first time since this conversation started. He's watching Mikey for any sign of distress, hurt feelings, or pity, but there is none. He seems perfectly content, as though they're discussing video games or his newest favorite show. Nonetheless, April is quick to reassure him.

"Mikey, _no_. No. I did not mean it like that. I wasn't even going to _say_ that."

Mikey rolls his shoulders, stretches his back out as he leans against the couch cushion. "I know," he pauses. He rubs a finger along the pizza plate, then, he looks back up at April with a big smile. "I've just been thinking.. It isn't a good thing, you guys. Like for us, it was different I think. We were turtles, and now we're... _us_. But for humans..." Mikey trails off, awkwardly failing to make his point.

Donnie still gets it though. He's thought about it his whole life. Fortunately, Ralph vocalizes the best example.

"But for humans who've got their whole lives going on, it's messed up.." Raph pauses. "like with Meat Sweats!"

" _Just_ like with Meat Sweats!" Mikey points at his brother, eyes gleaming from knowing Raph really, truly listened when he told him all about the celebrity chief. From his youth, to his rise to fame, and then to his mutation, Mikey recapped it _all_.

Donnie remembers when Mikey sat them down just to talk about it. If he was being honest with himself, he'd admit he barley payed any attention. At the time, Donnie was way too focused on his newest device, but clearly Raph, the oldest of the four brothers, had.

The two high five at their shared thought and Donnie almost wants to roll his eyes. He doesn't. He just goes back to sipping his water and messing around with his phone. Whatever he can do to look busy helps keep the pressure off, but Donnie knows Leo is watching him with that strange _what are you thinking about_ look _,_ so it's hardly easy _but wow does Donnie try anyway._

It's strange. How this one moment of realization has made every meaningful encounter so much more complicated. Donnie's known about his inability to discuss emotions for a long time now, but since he's actively researching it and coming to all types of new conclusions and reasonings about just exactly what he thinks is wrong with him, he feels that much weirder doing the actual art of talking. There's a new type of pressure that maybe wasn't there before, and Donnie hates it.

He's not even aware of someone jostling him around, grabbing him by the right shoulder until April all of a sudden is in his face and repeating his name. Donnie blinks a couple of times, and shuts off the phone he was staring at to focus.

"Wait what? You say something, April?" Donnie asks unsurely. Even though he's sure she did at least say _something_ , because otherwise why else would she be tapping him?

"Yeah, Dee," April frowns, and she's standing in front of him now, instead of on the floor beside Mikey. Raph, Leo and Mikey are watching him too, and Donnie _hates_ this exact setup. "I did. You okay?"

"What?" Donnie frowns, shifting a bit in his spot. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Why? Wait, Never mind. I don't need to know."

If it was possible for April to look at him with any more curiosity than she currently possessed, Donnie figures she would just for that comment. It's got Mikey slapping his face with his hand and giggling behind it, while meanwhile Raph is letting out a long winded sigh. Donnie smiles nonetheless.

"Okaaaay.." April trails off, strangely. After a couple seconds of this sheer awkwardness, her eyes seem to brighten like realization has dawned on her. It probably has, if Donnie's being honest. He's not an actor, he's never been good at acting. Aprils always been able to read him like a book.

"You working on something?" She questions excitedly, completely oblivious to his rising peril. "Can I see the blueprints?"

Donnie blinks a couple of times. And then, "there aren't any blueprints!" He shoves his phone completely away from view. "It's just... something."

April's watching him still. His brothers are, too.

"Something," April repeats, now exchanging a weird look with Raph. "Okay. I'm sure whatever the something is, it's gonna be great."

"Thanks, April." Donnie says, and _he means it_ , but god forbid the conversation end there and give him any breathing room because Mikey's pressed up against his side within seconds.

"Well whatever the something is, it can wait," he promises, nudging where Donnie put his phone. "Get off your phone and _talk_ to us. What's _your_ thoughts on the whole mutant breakout situation?"

Donnie stutters. Donnie never stutters.

"I... I think mutant breakout situation is a horrible name for this epidemic," he comments, _emotionlessly_.

Everybody is back to staring at him. If roles were reversed, Donnie'd be staring too.

Donnie is not soft, like the shell on his back. He is hard, and he deals with things in a harden way. But Mikey doesn't seem to get that right now, judging by the look on his face.

* * *

He knows he's gotta learn to communicate better. Practically everyone's told him this, more often than not. So when they're walking home from April's, and Mikey's up ahead with Raph right beside him, and it's just Donnie and Leo trailing behind, he puts a lot more effort into this conversation than he normally would.

"So... you feeling okay?" Leo asks, with a half interested shrug. It's another rouse for Leo to demonstrate what he thinks is coolness, but Donnie knows his brother is actually pretty worried. Understandably, because Donnie admits, he was not the same person he normally is. Probably didn't help that he denied the mutagen situation several times, and left his brothers and friend to think he was officially losing it.

" _Donnie, be serious." April tells him, hands on her hips and scowl on her lips._

" _I am serious," Donnie retorts. "It's a terrible name for what's barley even a problem."_

_That gets everybody mouthing back all kinds of shocked denials._

" _You don't think there's a serious mutant outbreak?" Mikey asks, eyes wide._

" _Did you not see all those guys the other day? Don, there were like fifty mutants! There's normally not even ten!" Raph tries._

" _Donnie..." Leo trails off, so strangely._

Yeah. Donnie did not think that one through, which was even more unusual because he's known for thinking _everything_ through. He did, however, spend an hour afterwards recapping his series of embarrassments in his head. All's good now though. He's only humiliated himself _several times_ after that.

"Yeah! Yeah. I'm good. April's was fun." Donnie replies, noticing Leo still waiting for a response. He nods five times for dramatic effect and to get his message across, so they can return to the general point of this conversation.

Leo is still watching him.

It's like a staring match with no end, and Donnie feels like he's sweating just from the pressure of it all. He feels dizzy. He doesn't know why he feels like this suddenly. It's _Leo_.

"Okay, that's good." The blue masked turtle acknowledges. "You were acting weird."

Leos always been so direct, something Donnie is not.

"Yeah, sorry," Donnie mumbles back. "My head hurt. Got too close to an explosion earlier in the lab. You know how it is."

"Oh! Okay. What were you working on?"

Donnie freezes. "The drill."

"THE **DRILL?!** " Mikey's shout of victory makes both Leonardo and Donatello flinch and brace for impact. It's a good thing, because within seconds Mikey's sprinting towards them. "You're FINALLY working on the drill?!"

Donnie gives his best well-rehearsed smile. There's been several times where he's been called out on it, but this isn't one of those times. "Yeah, ran into some problems though."

"Well, I'm sure we could help you out with those." Raph offers, walking up in a much calmer fashion than their little brother. Despite the fact that none of Donnie's siblings have the faintest clue about inventing, they all still want to help. And something in Donnie's heart warms at that thought.

"Wait a minute," Leo holds his hand up. "Is that the something you were talking about?"

Donnie frowns, but within two seconds he's covering it up again. "...That's the something."

There's an immediate chorus of _oh my gosh THE DRILL_ amongst so many other things, and it makes Donnie feel strange knowing how easy it is to lie to his family.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not like he wants to push people away. He just sorta does it. His brothers don't _mean_ to bother him, but they care too much somedays and Donnie can't always take it.

It's his fault he shoves people aside when they're making an effort, Donnie believes. When he tries to have a heart-to-heart and _fails_ , the attempt was clearly a mistake. Maybe something as simple as bad timing, or maybe Donnie just really, truly doesn't know what he's doing.

Maybe some things can't be fixed. Maybe machines are the only thing he's really good at. He's still a genius. He still can create the most amazing inventions the world has ever seen. He has that, and maybe that's enough.

"Hey, Donnie?" Raph asks one Saturday afternoon. They're all hanging out in the game room. Raph, Leo and Mikey have spent the past few hours beating their high scores, whereas Donnie quit two hours ago to read important tip-top secret research on his phone. "You feeling alright?"

Donnie waves a hand, all while keeping his eyes on his cellular device. " _Everyone keeps asking me that_ —yeah, feelin' great. How's your score on Ultimate Ninja Quest?"

"Good, good. Real good," Raph answers, slowly. "How come you're not playing again?"

"Raph, I keep telling you. I'm kinda in the middle of something."

"Right.." Raph stands there, feeling the pressure from how not even once in this conversation has Donnie looked at him. "Okay. Uh. You know you can tell us anything, right Don?"

Donnie finally does look up at that. Maybe it's the perfect time to talk, to _actually_ talk, just like so many articles say he should. _Or is it?_

He's been wrong several times before. He's tried and he's failed several times before. He knows he's gotta make an effort to get better at this, but nows probably not the right time anyway, and besides who would it really hurt if he went back to doing what he was doing?

"Yeah, I know, Raph." Donnie flashes his signature fake smile, and then returns to his phone.

He has machines and maybe that's enough.

* * *

"Are you working on the drill right now?" Mikey sing-songs in the corner of Donnie's lab. "Are you working on it? Huh? _Huh?_ It must be super intense and totally awesome if even April couldn't know about it yet!"

Donnie doesn't want to be angry at his little brother, but it's very clear at this point he's never heard of personal space. He's also apparently never heard of not wanting to talk, which is something Donnie craves more and more of nowadays, now that he's realized just how bad at talking he is.

"No, Mikey," Donnie retorts, from underneath the Turtle Tank. "I'm not working on the drill. I'm working on our tank. And I don't really care if April knows or not."

"Okay, okay, but then how come—"

Donnie turns on a different type of drill, it's loud sounds wiping out the words of his youngest brother.

It's been one week since Donnie's epiphany about _Feelings_. The fact that he's bad at them is something thats affected everything he's done, and as much as he tries to fix it, it just seems to be getting harder and harder.

It's especially unhelpful that his brother's have what seems to be a silent agreement to stay around and hang out with him. Donnie doesn't know _why_. Maybe they sense he needs a babysitter, because he's clearly got so many issues being left alone might be another one.

Donnie knows that's probably not true, that he shouldn't think like that, and that he's most likely just being ridiculous. But he's frustrated. He's tired. He hates social communication even more than he did before. Trying to be an active participant in _feelings_ whenever that particular conversation comes across is not easy, and he keeps trying to push it more and more.

" _Fruit Loops are the BEST breakfast cereal. You can fight me on that, Raph!" Leo yells out, all while dumping approximately 4,000 calories worth of the cereal in his bowl. Donnie tries not to cringe._

" _Fruit loops have got nothing on Frosted Flakes!" Raph retorts, proudly. "Right, Don?"_

_Donnie looks up from his phone. Spoon in one hand and tech in the other, he's got no clue as to what the purpose of this argument even was. Still, he tries._

" _Frosted Flakes are the ultimate breakfast cereal, which is undoubtedly because of their unique flavor. They're also nostalgia inducing, since they've been staples of many childhood's since 1952. They are beloved by children all across the world." Donnie pauses, taking in a mouthful of the very cereal. "Including me."_

_Donnie goes back to eating his breakfast._

_Raph and Leo stare at him. Even Mikey looks up from his video game on the couch. They've all got the same wide eyed look they've had going on for days now. Donnie hates it._

" _Bro, I love you," Leo announces after a minute. "But you really freak me out sometimes."_

_Donnie hates it._

For some reason, that particular memory makes Donnie's insides swell up with a new type of anger. He tries and he tries, but he's so sick of trying. He just wants _something_ in his life to come easy. Why is communicating emotions so much harder for him than it is for everyone else?

"—DEE!" Mikey screams. Acting on reflex, Donnie flinches and slams his head against the underside of their vehicle. He lets out a groan, eyes narrowed as he rubs the new injury.

"Ow, Mikey. What?" He slides out from underneath the tank, still holding his head.

"I feel like you're not listening to me." The orange clad turtle declares, and when Donnie looks up he sees that Mikeys taken the liberty to spread himself out on the lab floor. Donnie's eyes soften.

"Sorry, Mike," he says and he's _honest_. Because despite the fact that he's been nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions these past few days, he really doesn't want to ignore his brother. Donnie's weirdly proud of how sincerely he means that. "I'm just trying to get this done."

Mikey scoots over beside him to admire the turtle tank's fix-up. He looks at it with amazement and wonder, as though it's worth all the stars in the sky. He then pats Donnie on the shoulder. "It looks really good, bro."

Donnie's about to reply, say thanks, and then some, when the door slams open from the humongous force of Raph. Mikey waves to greet him and Donnie nods his still pounding head. Leo's right behind the eldest, and they've both got the curious looks on their faces.

Donnie knew at least one of them would come in at some point. Lately, they've been doing that. As though one babysitter isn't enough, he needs two. Or three. _They might as well bring their father next.._

"What are you guys working on?" Raph asks. Totally oblivious to Donnie's plight, he takes a seat beside Mikey.

"Donnie's fixing up the turtle tank!" Mikey announces, like its the best thing in the world.

Leo scrunches up his face. "The tank? I didn't think anything was wrong with it?" He eyes Donnie, who's gone and taking off tires that probably don't even need to be replaced yet, just so he can put new ones back on.

 _So sure. There's no reason for this madness,_ _but_ _sue him for wanting to do something that'll take his mind off his inability to function like a normal person._

Mikey waves a dismissive hand, and Donnie is somewhat grateful. "Eh, Dee is making it a thousand times better than it ever was before."

"No doubt about that." Leo replies, proudly.

"It's just stupid tires," Donnie mutters under his breath, much too low for anyone to hear. He doesn't need them throwing a parade about random but semi-necessary fixes for their vehicle. He's Donatello. _This is what he does_.

He's been doing it for _months_. He doesn't need anyone celebrating it now, just because they want to know why he's been acting so strange.

Donnie clenches the inflatable tire with the same type of force he lets loose on their enemies. He doesn't know the reasoning as to why he's so angry, but Raph's asking Mikey "what's he doing to it?" as though Donnie's not even there, and _that_ gets him riled up even more.

He's determined to let the angry emotions fester in his soul instead of out in the open. Because if this was any other time, any other month where he wasn't trying to work on his feelings and love and communication, Donnie would no doubt have yelled at his brothers already. They _know_ his limits; they know how he is. Donnie doesn't want to be upset right now, not when he's trying so hard to do the opposite, _but he can't help it._

Normally, he's fine when they're in the lab, taking an interest in what he's working on. It's actually kind of nice knowing they're discussing him while he's lost in an invention. But he's not lost this time, he's been failing to get anywhere with life and he's stressed and he's tired _and_ _he's definitely not lost_. Maybe emotionally—Donnie almost wants to pat himself on the back for that one—but he's here, he's present, he's focused. He's _not_ losing his mind, as crazy as he's been sounding lately.

Besides, Donnies not actually doing anything important to the turtle tank. He just looked at some of the insides, swapped the tires, and cleaned the paint job up a little. _Not everything has to be a big, spectacular event, for crying out loud._

"I dunno, Raph. Hey, Donnie?" Mikey speaks up again, right before poking his brother's shoulder. He then leans his body directly in his the purple-clad turtle's line of vision. "What are you doing to the turtle tank?"

"I am currently _changing the tires_." Donnie grumbles without even looking at him.

"Oh. Cool."

" _It's not really_."

"Bro, it _totally_ is."

"It's—it's not. Just drop it."

" _Okaaaay_." Donnie doesn't need to look over his shoulder to see that Raph, Leo and Mikey are all exchanging looks, he knows they are. His left eye twitches at just the thought.

Donnie screws in a final bolt, before he pulls himself up to his feet. Ignoring the offer of help from Raph, he stands on his own and keeps his glare focused on the floor, away from his brothers who don't mean to tick him off but do so anyway. "I'm done. Nobody bother me."

Immediately, Raph, Leo and Mikey are firing back all kinds of questions and denials like _what we're not trying to bother you, where are you going, donnieeeee what'd we do,_ but Donnie speeds out before he can hear much of it.

* * *

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_hey, raph, leo and mikey texted me_

_they said u locked urself in ur room_

_are you okay?_

 

**DONEatello:**

_im fine. ignore them they exaggerate everything_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_oh ok_

_still tho,,, they're worried about you_

_mikey says you've been acting weird_

 

**DONEatello:**

_ignore them_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_okay but IM kinda worried about you too_

 

**DONEatello:**

_??_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_you've been kinda fidgety, no offense_

 

 _DONEatello is typing_ …

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_I noticed at the sleepover and then a couple times when I came over_

_we all just want 2 make sure you're okay_

_that you know you can talk to us_

_donnie?_

 

**DONEatello:**

_really, I appreciate everybody's concern but I'm good._

_I'm just figuring stuff out. they're just mad I didn't want them babysitting me. tell my brothers to relax_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_babysitting u?_

_i think they're just worried about u dee_

_what r u figuring out?_

* * *

He's a ninja who's spent most of his childhood hiding in the shadows. Their father never let them leave the sewers until just a few years ago, but in those past few years of adventure and exploration, he's learned more about the world above than he ever could have dreamed of as a young child.

Perhaps that's why it's so easy to slip out while the rest of his family sleeps. _Just to get some time for himself,_ he reasons. _Outdoor_ _exercise stimulates the brain and encourages growth._

He runs and races over the streets of New York when the suns much too high and the streets are way too visible. It's not because he wants to be _seen—_ he doesn't, but lately sneaking around the city hasn't been the slightest challenge.

Lately, almost every human has seen a mutant at one point or another. They roam the streets, mainly at night, but people transform into all kinds of creations in plain day. Like April said, it's freaking people out. Donnie doesn't count as people, but sometimes, he thinks, it scares him too. If he could, he'd mention that to his family, but the hope that he'll ever get better with deep conversations is dwindling, so he keeps quiet.

Hes been keeping quiet about a lot of things, lately.

It shouldn't be so hard to express how you're feeling. _It shouldn't be so hard to talk to people_. But when your whole world's machines and the very few living beings you've grown up with have no problem dealing with _softness_ and _feelings_ and _communication_ , and you're the only one who feels awkward about it, after a while you start to feel like an even bigger outcast than what you started with.

Donnie watches the humans hustling through the streets. The people with lives and love and all kinds of normalcy that, when she's not with them, April gets to experience.

There's a part of Donnie that wants to know what it's like, but he knows that despite his problems, he wouldn't trade his family for anything the world has to offer.

Donnie keeps this thought in his head as he trains on a rooftop. Not the normal type of training, but research and data and stories about all kinds of stuff he should know, but doesn't. How verbally discussing feelings isn't for everyone, how he can go about communicating in different ways, like presents and notes.

The last time Donnie gave his brothers a gift, it backfired horribly and he ended up not only watching the devices he made get destroyed, but offending Raph, Leo and Mikey. Donnie doesn't want to do that again, even though he's still figuring out what exactly went wrong.

Gift giving is clearly not his thing. And note taking would never be much help, because he's surely not going to go scribble something down and hand it to them. _That_ would just look pathetic.

It's not _horrible_ to be stoic, but Donnie doesn't want to be the only member of the group who can't discuss things on a serious level, with _emotion_ and _passion_ like everyone else can.

He spends hours on that rooftop, reading, people watching, and staring up at the sky. When the sun above starts to lower, and the pieces of daylight break into that of night, Donnie knows he needs to head home.

Dodging a small child staring up above at the space he once occupied, Donnie flips and slides down from the roof and into the comfort of the familiar sewers. He lets out a breath. And then—

"So we meet again!"

Donnie's world freezes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh cliffhanger!
> 
> Comments give me life and validation, so let me know what you thought of this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They knock down the door.

****Leo knows the frail concept of space that Donnie likes to have so much of, _gets_ his brother's need to be left alone when desired, and understands why and when Donnie wants time to himself. Whether that be due to a brand new invention that's hogging all his attention or simply because he's decided he wants space, Leo gets it. That's just how Donnie is and has been for years.

...What he _doesn't_ get is why his brother refuses to at least acknowledge their loud presence outside his door. There's no way he can't hear them—Mikey's loud shouts make sure of that. They didn't really do anything that wrong, this time, Leo thinks. _Other than maybe the obsessive following him around thing_. And it seems like Donnie's storming off was mainly due to _that_ , instead of, say, simply wanting time alone. It's frustrating and terrible, because they've been out here for hours. They gave him space for awhile, but it's morning for them and Donnie's _still_ refusing to speak.

And when he emerges later, and Leo's sure he will, Donnie will probably say he was sleeping, or something else that's equally ridiculous, but it's impossible to sleep through this. Leo knows that. They _all_ know that. Them waking up their father twice already, hours before any of them normally rise, is solid, concrete proof of that. There's no excuse that makes this worthwhile, not when they don't even understand what happened.

" _DONNIE,_ please open the door!" Mikey begs, nearing the point of hysterics, as he pounds his fists against the entrance of their suddenly silent brother's room. "I'm sorry if I was being super annoying yesterday. Leo and Raph are sorry if they were being super annoying. _Just please open the door, it's been hours and we MISS you!"_

Leo knows Donnie's not gonna open the door. Not yet, anyway. When he finally does open it, he'll act like things are all fine and dandy, but right now? Silent treatment, they receive.

It's kinda cruel and kinda amusing, and Leo really does feel for his baby bro, who's been worrying about Donnie so, _so_ much lately. Leo's worried too, and no ones oblivious enough to not see Raph nearing the edges of a freakout.

They just can't shake the feeling that something might actually be wrong. Donnie reacts over super small things sometimes, sure. And Donnies known for either getting worked up about simple things or refusing to care about anything, yes. _And what happened in the lab_ was _simple_. Simple and confusing. But..

But.

But none of them understand why Donnie has been acting like this! Why he stormed off in the lab, not at all like normal. There's always been a reason; a reason they then proceed to figure out and resolve as a team. There clearly is still a reason, but Donnie's not at the resolve as a team stage yet. The way he's been acting as of late proves somethings going on, and maybe the lab is just where he snapped. But it's ridiculous because _they keep trying_. Keep trying to talk to him, keep trying to be there.. and he's giving them nothing! Nada!

"He's not gonna open it," Leo declares from his spot on the floor, never once lifting his head from his hand as he stares dully at a magazine. Sydney Allen, _their hero, their idol, the world's greatest skateboarder_ , graces the cover, and when April brought it over a couple weeks ago, they all freaked out. Now, it's not nearly as interesting.

Mikey rests his head against the door, pausing from the constant knocking. "I didn't mean to do anything.. I don't know why he's so mad at me."

"Pfffft. Mikey, bro, _please_. It’s not just you."

Leo lets out a semi amused snort, before he pulls himself to his feet. Just so he can help calm Mikey down, he sashays up to the very door from the very room they've all been trying to coax their purple masked brother out of. He's tried before and it's never worked, _but sue him for letting Mikey's puppy dog eyes get the best of him one more time._

"Hey Donnie! Would you come out if we had uranium?" Leo asks, pressed up against the door. He tries to listen for any noise to indicate his brothers still alive and breathing in there, but the room behind the door is eerily silent. Not even the whirring of a single machine sounds.

There's no answer. And after a few more seconds, Mikey scolds him.

"Lying isn't helping, Leo! Seriously!"

"Hey, I could _totally_ have uranium."

Mikey's eyes narrow. "But you don't."

He follows up what he says by standing there with the same saddened look he's possessed ever since waking up to discover the door still locked and Donnie still not talking to them. Mikey's been the most patient, the most dedicated, and the most determined all rolled into one. Because normally at this point, when Donnie's truly mad with someone or something, he'll seek out some sort of vengeance. But he hasn't this time. It's been nothing but a dead end silence for hours, and Mikey _hates_ silence. Leo does too, but he's used to petty fights and wants to believe this is just another one of them. No matter how weird the whole thing feels..

Leo’s been petty before, too. He can take it.

"I spoke with dad," Raph announces, few more minutes in. He appears at the edge of the wall, serious and somber as he makes his entrance back to Donnie's door. "...We're.. we're go for knocking it down."

Mikey opens his mouth. Then he closes it. Then he opens it again _. "Holy crap, Donnie's gonna seriously kill us, I don't want to die—"_

"What kinda solution is that?" Leo asks, but gets no answer.

Those are not the words Leo expected his oldest brother to say. He knows he was discussing what could be done about the Donnie situation to Splinter, but Leo's fairly certain Raphael was not the one to come up with the _take down the door_ plan. Regardless, he's somewhat interested as to how this is gonna go, but highly doubts it'll be a positive experience.

"Donnie?" Raph knocks on the door, huge fists and all. "You're freaking us out, man. Either you let us in or the doors gonna have to come down. Pops said so."

No answer.

Raph tries again. " _Bro, I really don't want to punch down your door."_

Still no answer.

Sighing dramatically, Raph backs up. "He ain't gonna like this.." the largest turtle mumbles, stretching his arms out. "Probably thinks I'm bluffing."

Leo shrugs, making a casual _what can you do?_ sort of face, while Mikey stands far back behind them.

Raph's about to do it—Leo can see him charging. But right before the big blow, Raph instead taps his knuckles against the door several more times for good measure. "You've got three seconds to answer us or the doors coming down. I'm serious, Don. We're all worried bout you."

_3, 2, 1..._

Mikey covers his eyes. Leos eyes widen. And Raph shuts his as he slams into the entrance of their brother's bedroom, tough and resistant like always, despite very clearly not wanting to do this.

Maybe it's cause they don't know how Donnie will react. He's been so unpredictable lately.

They knock down the door. And shattered pieces decorate the floor all of a sudden. If this was any other time, Leo would have no doubt that the genius would be whining about how his decors destroyed and priceless dumpster finds are broken.

But it's not any other time. Because Donnie doesn't say anything. Because Donnie's not even there.

Mikey holds onto Leo.

* * *

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_DUDE did you run away?_

_that is so not right_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_i didn't know your fight was THIS serious_

_I didn't even think it was a fight! boy you said it was an exaggeration_

_last time i stay out of things smh_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_...you could've at least given ME a heads up_

_if something was really bad, I'd listen_

_donnie?_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_hello?_

_donnie_

_everybodys kinda freaked out_

_answer me at least_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_you don't have to answer me but at least answer somebody_

_let us know you're ok_

 

**girl w the baseball bat:**

_oh god d_

 

* * *

"This is bad. This is _so bad_." Mikey repeats as he paces around the lair. He sucks in a deep breath, pauses and then reinstates, "so bad!"

"Did April reply yet?" Leo asks, ignoring the many declarations of how horrible this situation is to instead lean over Raphael's shoulder. No point, because he can't see the phone screen, but Raph moves it over to show him anyway.

"She hasn't seen him." Raph confirms for both Leo and Mikey.

Mikey sucks in another deep breath. "She hasn't seen him!" He cries, falling back onto the couch in an extra dramatic motion. "Oh god, where did Donnie _go_..."

"I'm sure Donnie's fine." Leo persists, calmly as he can. "Mikey, you sure you checked the lab? Wanna check the arcade, the tank, any possible place where he could be, again?"

Mikey nods, but still, he says, "I'll go triple check" and then he takes off to do just that.

Leo beams. He's strangely proud of how calm he seemed to his younger brother. Then, he turns back to Raph, and repeats Mikey's mantra. " _Holy crap, this is so bad."_

"I-I _know_." Raph stammers. "I didn't think he was _run away_ mad. I mean, this is Donnie we're talking about. The last time we fought, he set up traps around his room and just waited for us to get injured."

"And man, did they _hurt_ ," Leo rubs at his arm instinctively. "but this is so much worse."

"Where could he have gone? This is _exactly_ why we should've just waited outside his door!"

"To be fair, it was pretty clear he was getting sick of the whole us following him around thing."

Leo knows he was. That was so obvious, despite everything, and several times while he was doing it, he felt kinda bad. Leo specifically recalls stumbling into Donnie's lab while he was working on some blueprints, and the resulting eye twitch that his older brother had after fifty five minutes of Leo trying to discuss how good he was getting at his portal sword.

Not many subjects to talk about when you're worried about your bro. New and higher stakes are happening. Because Donnies gone, actually gone right now, and yeah, sure, it was serious before, _but now it's a whole new level._

"What'd he expect?! He was acting so.. so weird! We supposed to just not do _anything?!_ " Raph questions, obviously worked up by this whole thing.

"Dad didn't want us to do anything."

" _Dad_ also didn't hear his reasons for loving Frosted Flakes!"

" _Still_ ," Leo argues.

Raph sighs.

There's a point where being leader and being a brother have to separate. Raphs hit that point several times now, and he'll always value the latter over the former, because, after all, he's grown up being a big brother, whereas being a leader is something hes learned along the way. Being somewhat in charge of their still-working-at-it ninja team doesn't come the least bit naturally. He tries and he succeeds a fair amount of times, but giving out orders has never been his thing. Making a quick second decision when it could possibly very much destroy the lives of his family? Impossible.

It's difficult sometimes, finding that balance. Because, yeah, when Donnie stormed off from the lab yesterday, if Raph chose to _demand_ his return, he probably would come back, but it wouldn't be right. Donnie would probably only be more pissed, and Raph would just feel bad.

There were more than enough options that involved giving Donnie his own space and still being there. Even before the actual fight, he'd obviously been upset about something, Raph knows. And maybe instead of constantly following him around, _hoping_ Donnie would just tell them, maybe patience would've been better.

Donnie's never been one for huge resolving confessions caused by obsession and force, anyway. There were a whole lot of other options.

...Raph knew what the options were, and he doesn't think he chose the right one.

"Maybe... we should've given him some space." Raph admits, after a few more seconds of contemplating. "We should've just _asked_ if something's bothering him, damnit."

He barley listens to Leo's quick witted _yeah duh_ , because by the time he's done weighing out their next step, Mikey slides back in.

"He's definitely not in the lab!" Mikey bellows. "Or the skate room. Or the arcade. Or my room! Or the tank, or the—"

"Okay, so we've nailed down those possibilities..." Leo trails off. "Are we ruling out the option that he just wanted some space and lost track of time?"

"Donnie's not supposed to be topside alone unless absolutely necessary," Raph remarks. " _None_ of us are, Leo."

Leo points to himself and looks around, as though he's left dumbfounded by the very idea that he'd ever go topside solo.

"How could he have lost track of time? He'd have to _see_ the sky." Mikey thinks it through.

"Then maybe he got lost?" Leo keeps spitballing.

"This is _Donnie_ we're talking about."

"He's been lost before. _Don't you guys remember the subway incident?_ "

"That doesn't count, Leo, we were all lost!"

" _Including_ Donnie."

"Leo! Mikey!" Raph snaps, yanking both of his brothers out of their technical debate. "Donnie has to be above. So we just gotta go look for him. We'll have pops keep an eye here, just in case he comes back before we find him."

Leo nods. _That sounds reasonable enough_. Mikey frowns.

"God I really hope he's not mad at us. Donnie scares me when he's angry." He says, as they sweep out towards the main part of the sewers. Not before telling Splinter just what the newest plan is, they're finally ready.

"Well, angry or not, he'd better get past it because you and I both know this secretly going topside thing is not okay. That's not how we deal with things. That's just..."

Raph's words faze out as Leo stares up ahead. At the something grabbing all his attention. Rarely things do, but _this_. This..

Raph freezes a little. Watching Leo stand there, eerily still, for someone who's normally always moving, he knows something is wrong.

Something _is_ wrong. Leo sucks in a breath, because this whole thing just got a lot more intense.

"What is it, Leo?" Raph asks, before he can close the gap of distance between him and his brother.

Donnie's cellphone is on the ground.

* * *

Leo breathes in and out as his scrolls through his missing brother's phone. For information. For data. In case there is a mysterious caller, text, anything that could explain all of this. All of Donnie's recent behavior might be because of this very situation. Maybe he knew what was coming. Maybe someone was harassing him, threatening his life, Leo doesn't know what, but his legs shake and he doesn't have the energy to tell himself he's supposed to be the never caring, confident one physically and mentally.

Because Leo's immediate older brother, the brother he's spent years with, joking about how they could technically call themselves twins, sharing memes, trading information, living life and laughing even when one (normally Donnie) doesn't want to laugh, is gone. Kidnapped, probably.

Behind Leo, Mikey is panicking. He's pacing back and forth in a frantic, fast motion, while Raph uses his own phone to give April the latest update. Mikey's so upset, with good reason, and Leo can hear him trying not to break down.

_April would know what to do, right? April tends to know about most things. She'll know what to do, she'll know what to do._

Leo scrolls through Donnie's phone almost like he's in a trance. Maybe he is, he's been in one before, but he can't even remember what that felt like, because all he can think of right now is Donnie. Donnie's gone, MIA, and yeah, their families been separated before, _but never like this._

Leo clicks on google, scrolling through tabs Donnie has pulled up and his search history, completely ignoring the shattered glass that cuts his fingers while he does so. Maybe he'd get lucky and there would be an address, somewhere to go, somewhere where Donnie is.

There's no address, no direct clue, but Leo finds something else.

Leo sucks in a deep breath, feeling like he might collapse at any given moment as he reads what Donnie has apparently been reading. At the same time, Raph is declaring that the first bad guy they should check out is Meat Sweats. He has all sorts of reasons as to _why_ , but Leonardo merely whips out his sword and storms forward, ignoring it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like most of the fandom is obsessed with Donnie and Leo’s relationship aka situations where they fight and go off at each other, which obviously I agree is pretty funny since they have those type of personalities. However this fic is gonna have them on a closer level.  
> Of course, I am sure Donnie will still want to kill Leo when he finds out he was snooping through his phone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie's never been one for sentiment, or _feelings_ , which he's realizing more and more every day, but he tries. Maybe he's getting there. Because just talking about his family puts something warm in his chest in replace of the bitter coldness that's stewed every since he left the lair.

Donnie's never been one to run away from his problems, sulk in his misery, or claim defeat, but this time it's different. And although he didn't technically _run away_ , staying seems just as bad.

And even though, if you break it down, it's not so much a break from his brothers as it is attempted kidnapping, he still doesn't mind the details of it all that much. He's got things to work on to keep his mind busy. He's had plenty of extra training facing off against this guy's spontaneous attempts to destroy him. Really, it's more entertaining than not. Donnie's okay. He’s not home with his brothers and father, but he's okay.

"I hate you."

The sound of the mutant's voice does little to dissuade Donnie from adding a new processor to his already decked-out-in-tech bo staff. It's the only thing he brought with him, minus the phone that his attacker had originally leapt on and therefore caused him to drop. Donnie has had several hours of projects after that, thanks to Warren's surprisingly decent finds from dumpsters and broken into stores across the city, and now his bo is better than ever.

It's funny how distracting one thing can be. The way his brain works, Raph once said, is kinda amazing. He can multitask better than anyone, but he can also focus solely on one thing with no distractions. He's working on his bo staff and when his mind switches back to how complicated and terrible things have been as of late, Donnie thinks of something else.

"Uh huh. Did you say something?" is all he replies before the mutant worm decides to get in his face.

" _I am done tolerating this level of disrespect!"_

Donnie eyes Warren carefully. The most damage this self proclaimed nemesis can really do is maybe a gentle push here or there, or a jump that catches him off guard. Donnie's rarely off guard. He's a ninja after all. And he already knows Warren hates him, but he really does not mind.

"Can you move over? I'm so close to solving this wiring dilemma," Donnie asks, head tilted in concentration while nudging him aside. He flashes an unconcerned smile. "If my theory is correct, which it _normally_ is, I can power this type of technology for days, maybe even weeks, with no batteries, charging station, anything! I haven't had the time to work on it back home, but surprisingly you're well equipped with just what I needed. Honestly, I'm curious as to how you snuck all this stuff in here without rousing suspicion. _Very_ impressive."

Warren _fumes_.

"I bring you to my secret hideout—"

"—to try to _kill_ me—" Donnie so-helpfully adds.

"—I torture you,"

Donnie makes a face.

"And somehow, along the way, you think it's perfectly acceptable to go through my belongings and use whatever you please to make your lousy excuse of a weapon even better! Do you not see what's wrong with that?!"

Donnie stops and watches Warren for a few awkward seconds. "You _are_ the one who brought me here." He concludes. "Really, did you expect me to what? Act afraid? ... _Oh, good golly, the horror—"_

" _BE QUIET!"_ Warren hisses. "This is supposed to be TOTURE! _**Torture!**_ See that hammer over there? If I so please, I could bang it over your head!"

Donnie looks at the hammer.

"To be fair, that would hardly be lethal. Your muscle mass compared to the weight of that rusted away tool would most likely not result in a devastating blow. The most that could happen would just be a simple concussion, and that's _if_ you'd be able to slam it at a fast enough speed." Donnie glances back to the mutant worm, holding back a grin. " _Can_ you even lift it? It looks like it weighs more than your total body weight, although I suppose it's possibly if you transformed, or whatever it was you did last time. I'm fairly interested in that, actually, how did you manage—"

" **YOU!** I HATE YOU!" Warren screams, right as Donnie slips his bo staff away. "You and your brothers think you're all SO GREAT _just because you were mutated into turtles and I was mutated into a worm!_ WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU GREAT!"

"Uhhh, yeah, no. I insist you don't."

Warren Stone, once a famous news anchor and now nothing more than a mutant worm, charges at Donnie. Donnie knows nothing horrible will happen because of the worm's small size and little strength, but still he gives him this, and stands up to act like he cares. When Warren slams against him, punching and kicking Donnie's leg, he rolls his eyes.

Donnie holds Warren at arm's length, making him struggle from side to side. When Warren manages to scoot away, he attempts another surprise attack, but simply ends up kicked to the ground. Donnie stares down at him with little interest when that happens, so Warren begins motioning towards his new collection of liquid enhancements, _all_ _of which would mean death for the ninja turtles if he chose to drink them._

Donnie asks if he'd look just as repulsive as he did that one day, and Warren hits him harder.

Within ten minutes, Donnie gets bored of humoring him and tugs Warren away from his plastron. He rubs his shoulders at the slight soreness the extended use of the battle shell has created while Warren struggles and kicks and continues to put up his best attempt at a fight despite being in midair. Donnie smirks for a second, and fortunately It doesn't take too long for Warren to retreat to the ground to claim his defeat. Not before promising that someday "you and your little mutant turtle group will rue the day you ticked off Warren Stone!"

Donnie scoffs, but realizes its not even worth the argument. He stretches his arms above his head, and then his hands to his feet. Warren just mutters rude things under his breath.

"I don't know why I wasted my time with the likes of you. I should have gone for Leonardo. He deserves it for what he did last time. I bet that imagery of me cut in half is plaguing his mind. Oh, he's probably terrified of me now, much as he tries to act like he doesn't know me!"

"No. He really doesn't remember or care about who you are."

" _I hate you_."

Donnie pats Warren on the head sympathetically. He knows Leo could take this small guy in five seconds flat if needed. He also knows Leo would never care enough to do that, but Donnie doesn't bring the subject back up. No, because Warren is suddenly way too busy ranting about his newest failure and his ever growing hatred.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you and your brothers and this stupid world! _I hate you!"_

Donnie stares at him. He exhales, slowly and almost sympathetically.

* * *

"...And if you really want to be our archenemy, like you _keep_ claiming you are, _for the love of god please stop that by the way_ , you might want to do a bit more research," Donnie explains, in the middle of the floor beside Warren Stone, his apparent nemesis. Warrens got a notepad and a pen in his flimsy little hands and is writing down everything Donnie has to say. Some of it's ridiculous, some of it's actually factual. It's a good mix, none of which could be used against him in battle or even on a personal level, but enough so that maybe Warren wouldn't look _as_ pathetic with his knowledge. He's knows more about them than most of the people they fought. That's something at least.

It helps, anyway. With Donnie's conscious. He's strangely proud he can at least prove he cares enough about certain things to help with this, uttermost ridiculous thing.

...Warrens still pathetic, Donnie concludes as he watches Warren struggle with the pen. _So very pathetic that Donnie should have just hightailed it out the second he got the chance. The second he even saw Warren. It's not like the little guy could_ force _him here, Donnie could easily leave, but no, no, no, he's still here for the sake of his tech bo staff and because Warren's whining is frankly driving him to insanity and really it's not even the last reason, it's more that he doesn't_ want _to leave, shut up Donatello, he just wants to at least try to make him feel better, make an effort with things, and maybe_ —

When Donnie first arrived, following along for no real reason, no bit of information to warrant him _not_ kicking Warren to the side and treading on home, Warren asked where the others were.

Donnie had responded absentmindedly, saying something like _buying fish hooks,_ but now he thinks back and realizes at this point, his brothers are probably wondering where _he_ is. Donnie's never done a solo run before. He's always brought someone with him when he needs something topside.

"Expand on that, you've yet to give me anything good," Warren mutters, finally just now getting the pen to work. He's staring up at Donnie like he's studying him. Donnie blinks.

"Obviously I mean that, for starters," The purple-clad turtle pauses. "We weren't mutated into turtles. We were turtles. Turtles who got mixed with mutagen and human DNA, years ago. We're all pretty sure of that, at least."

Warren's eyes widen and he turns back to the notepad again. He can still barley write with his measly arms up against the big paper, and after Donnie watches him try for three more minutes of their lives that they'll never get back, he snatches the office supplies and writes it himself.

"What else might I not know about you?" Warren asks, eyebrows wiggling in the hopes that he'd get something good. Donnie just rolls his eyes.

"I'm not giving you our classified secrets. Double obviously."

Donnie doesn't know why he's giving him anything to begin with, but somehow he's reached this point.

"But I will tell you that Raph's our leader. Hopefully you already knew that."

" _Of course I knew that!"_

Maybe its the fact that he was working so intently and Warren just kept making comments about his life and his plans for revenge against Donnie's family. Maybe because it felt good when he answered one single question, that he somehow found himself willing to answer more. Maybe it's the need to talk about it all, something he's never really done, and maybe Warrens just a good target for that. It's pretty clear the mutant worm can't do anything with it, and there's just been so much happening lately, but Donnie still knows his family means the most, and Warren _is_ willing to listen when he talks about them _so_...

He also, kinda, feels bad when Warren spews complaints about his own pretty crappy life, hidden in with exclamations that prove his own narcissism.

Regardless of that, Warren has no one looking out for him. He's old news now in the public eye. All he has is Donnie and his brothers and his quest to destroy them, and that's definitely not enough to fulfill anything when you're as small and sad as he is.

Donnie at least has his family. He has his brothers and his father and April, all of which are probably very worked up about his sudden outburst and disappearance.

So now they're here. Discussing fun facts about Donnie's family and history, like they're childhood besties and not at all archenemies.

"For the most part," Donnie continues, shaking the thoughts out of his head and focusing back on their conversation. "Raph is a pretty decent one. If you tell him I said that, I am not above petty revenge."

Shuttering with the fear of not knowing if that's a joke or unfortunate honesty, Warren nods. Somehow this one of the turtles doesn't seem like he'd kid about something like that.

"Raphs always trying to make us spend time with each other, open up. I suppose," Donnie says, almost begrudgingly. "he knows what he's doing most of the time. Splinter, that's our father and _sensei_ , he used to call him the group mom."

"You have a _father?_ " Warren's confirms, while Donnie writes.

"Yeah. Dads great. Taught us everything we know."

"What about Leonardo?" He pries.

"Leos great. We're the same age, me being slightly older— _yes, yes, it does matter._ Middle kids. He's typically reckless, but more often than not, whatever problem he created is solved with minimum casualties," Donnie pauses, clicking the pen in his grasp. "Typical teenager, according to what I know about human adolescents, he's the closest to mentally resembling one. That means memes. Lots of memes."

Donnie glances at Warren, just to make sure. "Memes are images, videos, among other things, typically meant to be enjoyable to the viewer and—"

"— _I know what memes are!_ Who doesn't know what memes are!"

"You might be surprised," Donnie answers, with a shrug as he thinks of his father. It's the truth, and Donnies never gonna forget the time Leo tried to show Splinter a Spongebob one, only for Splinter to begin yelling about the yellow sponge's constant air times. When Leo tried to explain _no, dad, it's a meme_ , their dad had responded, "it looks nothing like you!"

"Alright, well," Donnie clasps his hands together. "Leo always wants to do the most over the top stuff. It's ridiculous and highly improbable that he'll make it out alive, but somehow he always does. Raph and Mikey get so worried—not me because it's actually somewhat interesting."

Warren frowns, probably because none of this is what he expected to force out of the genius. It's definitely not battle strategies, it's definitely not which part of the sewer their hideout is located in. _He's looked and he's looked but he's yet to find it.._

Donnies not quite smiling, but he's not quite frowning either as he writes.

Pausing, he looks over the already written notes before he keeps going. "Mikey's the youngest. He's an impressive artist. Living up to the name." Donnie clicks his pen again, thinking back on all the _paintings_ and _sketches_ and _chalk art_ he's seen from the youngest throughout their lives. "He undoubtedly has the biggest heart, he cares a lot, which is unbelievably frustrating some times, but then again I suppose Raph feels the same way about several things. Mikeys a good brother. You should see his face when I'm about to go technology hunting. He's always the one who wants to come, despite how I apparently take forever at each junkyard.."

Warren mumbles something under his breath.

"Oh! And then there's April! She's our best friend, you haven't met her yet, but you'd love her. Probably. Actually scratch that, I'm pretty sure she'd also want to slice you in half.. Best you don't meet."

Donnie's never been one for sentiment, or _feelings_ , which he's realizing more and more of every day, but he tries. Maybe he's getting there. Because just talking about his family puts something warm in his chest in replace of the bitter coldness that's stewed every since he left the lair.

His brothers didn't do anything _that bad._ They cared, that's what they did. And maybe Donnie really, truly screwed up this time. Walking out of the lab when they just wanted to spend time with him, dismissing April's concerns when she asked if he was okay, and ignoring everyone when they tried to figure out what was wrong. They were worried. Maybe they had a right to be.

Donnie tenses, hand on the familiar comfort of the left strap of his battle shell.

"— _Okay,_ I feel like none of this information is going to help me defeat them." Warren Stone mutters, small fists clenching. "This wasn't even worth kidnapping you for!"

_Kidnapping. Yeah, because that's what happened. Not at all like this was another excuse to_ _hang away from home.._

Donnie focuses his gaze back on the notes he's written, but shrugs and _smiles_.

* * *

"My shell feels like it's broken. Raph. Is my shell broken?"

"Your shells gonna be okay, Mike. You're gonna be just fine." Raphs got one hand on Mikey's shell, the other on his own cramping shoulder. "We're all okay."

Leo watches from his own spot on the ground, panting hard as he tries to calm down, as he tries to _breathe_. His sword shimmers with flecks of moonlight and Leo looks down at it, silently wishing he could have actually sliced Meat Sweats with it the second he had the chance.

...He was close to doing it, too. Close to actually killing him. So, _so_ close. _He's never been that close._

"...I dunno what mutant Meat Sweats was feeding on, but that guy must've had some serious strength because _wow_ , does my shell hurt!" Mikey continues to complain, wincing at his own exaggerated movements.

Leo watches Mikey and Raph interact, still staying in his lane because he knows if he does dare to speak up, he's gonna get yelled at for the stunt he just pulled. Rightfully so, maybe, but it's not like he _wants_ that.

Mikey shuts his eyes as his biggest brother rubs small circular motions on the back of him. He's got scratches and cuts all up his arms, few streaks of blood decorating the marks. All of a sudden, the weight of his words from before strike him and his eyes pop open. "OH MY GOD! _You don't think.."_

"No Mikey! What the heck, don't think like that!" Raph shouts back, quicker than ever. "It wasn't Donnie, it was probably a mutant snake or something. With claws."

A snake or something. _Right_. Leo shuts his eyes.

They're all leaned up against the corner of an alleyway, calming down and nursing the many injuries the fight with Meat Sweats left them. It's too far to be found, but too close to the busy streets of Time Square. Even at night, the city hustles with life like no other. It's memorizing and terrifying all the same.

They didn't _plan_ on getting into a physical altercation with the mutant pig—at least Mikey and Raph didn't. They were sitting there, crouched behind boxes while desperately trying to figure out if Meat Sweats was hiding or cooking their brother. By the time he began ravishing about how hungry he was and how he simply couldn't wait for his next meal, probably referencing the scent of them, Leo lost it and released all the anger he's carried since the journey to find him, jumping out, screaming and slicing.

There was no other choice than for Raph and Mikey to run out and defend their fearless and idiotic sibling.

They searched the whole area while they fought. No Donnie. Nothing that looked like the mutant's next dinner. _That's_ when they found out he had already sucked the power out of something, while they were distracted, and the fight got so much more intense.

It couldn't have been Donnie. It wouldn't have been Donnie. Leo can tell Raph feels sick even thinking about it, but he knows that if Donnie was laying in the back dead, it'd take much longer than a couple seconds to digest his life force into Meat Sweats.

Raph tries to tell Mikey that, _tries to calm their injured and afraid sibling down_ , but Mikeys got his head in his hands, shaking, with blood dripping down his cuts. Not to mention, his shell is much too bruised and scratched, so Mikeys not really listening to anything Raph has to say.

Leo sits, shell pressed against the wall and arms wrapped around his legs. He continues to try and catch his breath, while still repeatedly looking over his shoulder. They lost Meat Sweats. He's gone. It's safe. They're in the clear. But _Donnie's still not with them_ , and the whole world kinda feels like it's collapsing.

He didn't expect this, he didn't want this, _where is Donnie?!_

"Leo, dude, come on, where does it hurt?" Raph is crouched down beside him all of a sudden. Leo's oldest brother has always worried about his family and now is no exception, but they have a much bigger situation than Leo getting banged up.

Leo tries to offer a smile.

"No. No, I'm good.. Hundred percent intact. Newest and nicest model." Leo jokes, confident smile visible, but there's no real meaning to his words when he speaks. "'S good," he tries again. "Where we looking next?"

Raph is watching him. Looking him over. There's no visible injuries on him, as far as Leos concerned. The most damage he sustained is a sore shoulder, and that's only because Mikey jumped in between him and the mutant pig, blocking the way more dangerous battle that was about to go down between the two. Mikey got the worst of it all. Donnie's still missing. Leo feels sick.

"Home." Raph's confident, no nonsense voice pulls everyone's attention back to him. It's rare when Raph, one of the more compassionate members of the team, talks so sternly, so when he does they typically listen. "We need to go back home."

Leos up on his feet within seconds, because despite Raph being the leader, Leo will fight to the breaking point. " _What?_ You're just giving up on finding Donnie?! We've only checked one guy!"

"Of course I'm not giving up!" Raph snaps, and if Leo looked closely maybe he'd see the sheer hurt that suggestion caused. "But we gotta get Mike patched up first. He _needs_ bandages. And frankly, Leo, you should do something about your arm. It looks swollen. We'll go home, get fixed up, and then head back out when we're ready."

"That's so stupid!"

" _What did you just say?"_

Leos got a sword, his brother's cracked cellphone along with his own, and his constant fill of recklessness and spunk, but none of those things have anything on his big brother when he comes up with an idea he thinks is good. And Leo knows that yes, they all care about Donnie, more than anything right now, but he also thinks taking a break to nurse injuries can't be the way to solve this missing person case. So, Leo retorts, never once faltering and definitely _not_ freaking himself out, "Donnie could be getting tortured right now!"

"Donnie's not getting tortured!" Hearing Mikey whimper out beside him, Raph adds in a low voice, "You _serious_ right now, Leo?"

"Course I'm serious!" Leo looks at Mikey and softens, ever slightly. "All I'm saying is we shouldn't waste time. There could be more to this whole thing than we know, and I just... we shouldn't waste time, _Raph!_ " He pokes a finger at his brother's plastron.

Raph tries to figure things out by just staring at him. It doesn't work. "We're not.. _wasting time_. It's gonna take no more than thirty minutes! Leo, you are _not_ the one to be getting upset about this. Not after that stunt you just pulled in there!"

"That _stunt_ I pulled could've saved Donnie!"

"Donnie wasn't even in there!"

Glaring at his oldest brother, Leonardo crosses his arms.

" _Leo_.." Raph's got that mumbly voice going on, the one that Leo hates, and Leo loves his family, but he _can't stand_ being talked down to like that. Like he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know what he's saying.

Leo knows what he's doing and what he's saying now. They gotta keep looking for Donnie, there's no time to waste. Leo searched for clues on where his brother could be, and instead found article after article dealing with all kinds of things and all kinds of thoughts Leo never knew Donnie was thinking. _Like why he seems to believe he's incompetent with anything other than machines, why he's so different, why does he have to have such a emotionless passion, instead of just regular passion._ Leo clearly doesn't know as much about his brothers as he thought he did, and he's not gonna let Raph talk him out of finding his missing one as soon as possible.

"Look. Mikey is cut up pretty badly," Raph whispers, when he thinks Michelangelo can't hear. "We gotta get him back, put some bandages on his shell, and then you and me, maybe April, can head back out."

"I'm okay, guys," Mikey intervenes from his seat on the ground. "Lets go find Donnie.."

Raph shakes his head. "We're gonna find Donnie, but we need to get you home first."

"Raph, no! Seriously, I'm fine!" Mikey fires back, sending what was an argument.

It's like Raph thinks the conversation is over, because soon the the eldest lifts the youngest into his arms, and they completely ignore Leo's presence as they try to discuss the plan and how _Mikey, you will be fine, but this is for the best, it's okay._

Leo huffs, looking at the ground instead of at his brothers.

"I _swear_ I was just being dramatic before though. I really do think my shells okay."

Mikey's gaze wavers from a comforting Raph to a ticked off Leo. Raph's words immediately make his focus return to him, but not before Mikey tries to get one last exchange of looks with Leo, _who refuses to look at him._

"It'll be okay, but let's have pops take a look just to be sure." Raph persuades. Mikey sighs, but nods, tears clouding his vision with the manifesting guilt from how his injury just had to be the one to slow them down.

When they start walking, Leo starts groaning. And Raph keeps trying to give them gentle reminders on how everything's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be fine. Donnie's fine and Donnie's tough. Donnie can handle anything.

_Donnie is clearly not fine._

They're up ahead when Leo makes a portal. Just a simple one downtown, but Leo knows it's where some criminals and lowlife mutants hang out. They've met more than their share of bad guys at this one block.

He waits until Mikey and Raph are far up ahead, after he's drifted several steps back, each one slower than the other, until he's finally hanging far enough behind where they can't see or stop him. And then Leo calls out—

"I'm gonna meet you guys later then! I don't need any bandaids or whatever, so it's all good! You two go get fixed up and call me when you're done!"

" _Leo, I swear,"_ Raph starts to scold.

He doesn't get a chance to finish that threat, because Leo shoots him a peace sign with two of his three fingers and dives head first into the portal he's just created on a whim.

Mikey's bruised up hand covers his mouth, right before he can start letting out all kinds of callings to convince their brother to come back. Leo doesn't come back, despite their screams. And when Raph starts charging, preparing to leap in after him and haul his sorry butt back to the sewers, the portal closes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo, baby, you are not handling this well.
> 
> Okay, so you guys!! I decided I’m not going to reply to every comment (although it’s very tempting) since it affects the comment count a lot, and I don’t want that to increase just cause I keep saying thank you. So here is one big thank you for all you reading and reviewing this: THANK YOU<3<3<3 you guys are so awesome and make me so happy. I’m so grateful to everyone who has something nice to say!
> 
> I’ll still reply sometimes ofc, like if you’ve got questions, something I just want to add to.. honestly who knows but I will answer every now and then!!
> 
> I hope this chapter was worthy of your time. It’s nearly double the length of the other ones! also hey, some of you guessed it was Warren, so congrats!! You people are very smart


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "DONNIE!" Mikey screams, wiggling free from Raph's mighty grip. Raph lets him down easy and Mikey bolts to his brother with open arms, arms that are pretty well cut up, Donnie notices, but Donnie hugs back anyway despite still trying to get a grasp on the situation. And pretty soon Raph's got them both picked up, squeezing tight.
> 
> For a brief moment, Donnie appreciates this. The feeling of protection, having others care, having others miss you. But with Mikey apparently injured, there's not much room to focus on it.

Donnie trudges into the lair with a new sense of accomplishment. He did something. Kinda. He helped someone. Kinda. And even though said someone registers as an enemy, he's not enemy enough to wreck their lives. Not with new information, not with old information, not even with the strange substances he's acquired from who-knows-where.

No, Donnie's content with that at least. His achy feet and sore shell have no hold on him, even when the general tiredness flares up the second he arrives.

"Hey, dad. 'M home." Donnie greets when he shuffles past his father's armchair, on feet that feel like they're controlling him.

Splinter perks up slightly and gives a brief wave with the back of his hand. He then turns away from the tv, something he almost _never_ does, and looks over the chair's edge to see his child. "Purple. You _are_ home."

"Yeeaahh," Donnie answers in a long, dramatic breath. "Attempted kidnapping, you know how it is. Long, boring story, nothing that couldn't be handled, _et cetera.._ "

Stretching his arms above, he realizes his brothers for some reason _haven't_ rushed to his side like he originally thought they would, and for the first time he notices it's just him and his dad. "Where's everyone?"

"Apparently your brothers felt it could _not_ be handled because they are out looking for you. I was not really listening when they told me so."

Donnie glances back at the lairs entrance, face tight. "Oh."

Splinter eyes him curiously.

After a couple more second, Donnie starts to ask, "Should I...?"

"Eh. They will probably be fine."

Donnie sucks in a breath and nods, and the whole thing is perfect timing because the second he agrees, his father's favorite gameshow returns from commercial. Donnie's dad has never been one to focus on conversation when there's something else asking tor his attention, in this case _the tv_ , so Donnie lets his looking away slide and instead performs the brave task of sitting down beside him. To watch for a couple minutes, anyway. Just so he can rest while waiting for his brothers to get home.

He's never been one for gameshows. He personally would rather watch the science channel, or even the wrestling one, any day of the week. But his dad is passionate about these shows, more than any other type of series right now, and it seems like it's been a long time since they've watched something together. Years, maybe, since they've viewed anything other than ninja training shows inspired to help Donnie and his brothers with their own abilities. He's missed this childish comfort.

Still, the soft-shell eyes the entrance of their home every few seconds. _Just in case Raph, Leo, and Mikey return while he's watching mindless television._ But after ten minutes of this and there still being no appearance from his siblings, Don focuses his heavy vision completely on the screen.

It's not even clear what show this is. Possibly it's a new one where contestants pick out an answer choice based on color patches while a big wheel declares what's right. Or at least that's what Donnie's getting from it, judging from how it's been five minutes and he's still confused, _something he almost never is._

The whole thing is but a mockery of regular gameshows, and he tells Splinter just that.

"This makes no sense!"

Splinter glances at his son out of the corner of his eye. "It makes complete sense, do not question the entertainment."

" _I'm not_ , but," Donnie motions out towards the screen. "What even are the stakes to this thing? The contestants just sit there, pick a color which gives them a question and then what? _Answer it?_ It's ludicrous, I can't imagine the ratings are good."

"I would like to see you run a gameshow, Purple."

"Could run it better than this one.." Donnie mumbles, head falling back against his father's armchair.

They watch like this for thirty more minutes, Donnie occasionally making comments questioning the sanity of the humans and Splinter pointing out that most of them are very simple people and this is still high class entertainment. Then the credits roll in and the screen goes to commercial, which, at this point, makes Splinter even more invested thanks to the joyous ads.

Donnie rolls his eyes, stretches his shoulders, and then bites his tongue at the questioning comment about pointless salespeople that comes to mind.

"Golden age of commercials, my son. Golden age."

Donnie will never understand his father's love for all things television, but he's amused nonetheless.

He's standing there, debating whether to continue watching with him or head for his room like originally planned, when his eyes wander back to where their sewer lair leads out. Eyebrows furrowing in concern, he then asks out loud. "You think they're okay? The odds of them being out there for more than a couple hours means a high probability of harsh co—How long have they been out for?"

"A few hours." Splinter answers, tail moving when he does. "Do not worry. They will be home soon. Now, _genius_ one, for the love of all things, go remove that ridiculously heavy machinery on your shell before you are in even more pain."

Donnie didn't realize he'd been rubbing at his shoulder, but when he looks he sees the reddish mark he's created just from the force of that simple motion. Even with the green of his flesh, the painful red tint is still there. "Oops." Donnie sheepishly grins. "I took the heavier model out. More features, but _such a price."_

"Yes, a price that you will be whining about your sore shell for days to come and I will be forced to listen!"

Donnie shakes his head, hands dropping back to his sides.

"I'm going, I'm going," he announces with a click of the mechanical shell that signals release. Immediately upon taking it off, he feels the sea of relief. His shoulders and shell no longer have to hold such a weight, and his quicker pace is a result of that. Walking back to the lab to plug it into its state of the art charger, and thriving in the fact that he's returned to environment where he's safe enough to do so, Donnie smiles.

Maybe afterwards he'll actually rest, or lay down once they get home. His body aches and he's tired, but not waiting for his brothers seems like a far worse alternative. Surely they're going to be more than angry at him, and he needs to let them take out _some_ of that frustration at least.

He'll also apologize, probably, because the guilt that creeps on the edge of his conscience at the worst of times reminds him to. He screwed up. He handles things terribly. He'll apologize, and slowly but surely things will go back to normal.

Donnie still smiles, but it's a little less natural now. And when he thinks about the Turtle Tank, and all the thoughts come back with it, that smile is fully gone. His brothers are still out looking for him, because he caused a scene. He left because he couldn't deal with freakin' conversations and feelings and softness, even though he's a _soft_ -shell which, Donnie feels again, is _SO IRONI_ C.

After placing the battle shell on its charger, he glances over at his glistening reflection in the mirror, some of the earlier sense of pride and accomplishment draining. _Why are you like this, Donnie? Why, why, why?_

Warren could've been a real threat, when they get down to it. _He's not, but he could have been._ It could have been Baron Draxum or Meat Sweats, or some brand new anger-fueled mutant those oozesquitoes created. _What then?_

Unclenching fists he didn't even know he was holding pressure on, Donnie breathes. He's not about to make yet another mistake in his life. He's not about to let Raph, Leo and Mikey come home to him still acting strangely.

He'll apologize to his brothers when they get back. They'll probably heckle him, chide him for going out and technically getting kidnapped, but then it'd be _okay_. And Donnie can go back to normal, before he even started caring whether or not he had emotion in his voice or if his family knew he loved them or any of it, because things were so great before he started overthinking, fine before he screwed up again and again, he's got machines—SO many machines—he's got his father, April, and his brothers and they've all got each other to discuss deep things with, it's FINE if he can't do that— _damn it, Donnie, why are you like this, why why why?_

Donnie steps away from the mirror, away from his battle shells and machines and all kinds of spare parts he's yet to find a purpose for, and starts walking. Back to the main room. Back to where Splinter is. Back to where he can see a clear view of the entrance, so when his brothers come home he can apologize profusely, explain his actions, and this can all be in the past. _Holy crap, what is wrong with him lately?_

He's heading there, suddenly debating whether or not he should go out again just to find Raph, Leo and Mikey because after all what if they got captured while he's been hanging out in the lair? They're a bigger team than he is solo. The odds are they could probably handle it, but still, Donnie worries.

Donnies walking back to where his father is, tv screen of a much different show playing in the background, when he sees Raph with Mikey in his arms.

* * *

“Is Mikey _HURT?”_

Donnie yells it so much louder than he really needs to. Because, honestly, the second he stepped foot in the main room, all eyes were on him. Splinter mumbles something to Raph along the lines of " _oh? Did I forget to tell you boys Purple has returned?"_

"DONNIE!" Mikey screams, wiggling free from Raph's mighty grip. Raph lets him down easy and Mikey bolts to his brother with open arms, arms that are pretty well cut up, Donnie notices, but Donnie hugs back anyway despite still trying to get a grasp on the situation. And pretty soon Raph's got them both picked up, squeezing tight.

For a brief moment, Donnie appreciates this. The feeling of protection, having others care, having others miss you. But with Mikey apparently injured, there's not much room to focus on it.

"Dude, where did you go we were so worried we didn't know where to look! Are you okay?! _I couldn't beli_ -" Mikey's a ramble of questions and exclamations and it hurts Don's normally so caught up brain just to hear each one. "I'm so glad you're back! We were freaked out when Meat Sweats didn't have you!" Mikey wraps his arms around Donnie even tighter.

Donnie did get that _so glad you're back_ part, and even if he's not sure that's the main emotion they should be feeling right now, he still pats his baby brother's shoulder. He meets the eyes of Raphael, who clearly has some words for him too but is waiting for Mikey to finish his. Raph smiles at Donnie, and Donnie gives a wobbly smile back, while Mikey just keeps on talking.

"Mikey, are you hurt?" Donnie asks directly, cutting off the youngest in the middle of his excitement. He's gotta make sure, gotta make sure Mikey's okay.

"I'm all good, Dee, just a little banged up. It's nothing serious!" Mikey replies, as he launches into another round of _oh my gosh WE MISSED YOUs._

Donnie quietly mumbles something about the several first aid kits he owns when Mikey squirms to rest his head on his shoulder, still raving, still clearly thrilled by his brother's return.

Splinters outside the trio's catching up, and Donnie catches his eye for a brief second. His father winks at him, and he frowns with no clue what that means. Then, something else registers in Donnie's brain, he's forced to ask—

"Wait, _Meat Sweats?_ "

Holding a hand up to signal no more words as the group hug separates, Donnie is stuck on this one part of his little bro's explanation.

But Mikey's nodding furiously, like he always does, and the orange-masked turtle throws his hands up to better dramatize what went down.

" _Bro, we couldn't find you and we found your phone and we knew something was up so we narrowed it down to who may hate you—no offense, love you dee—and we got to Meat Sweats, so we went to Meat Sweat's, but no luck!"_

Donnie blinks, registering this. No time to bother asking more, because Raph swoops in to start asking his own round of questions. "You're okay, Donnie?" He confirms, looking his sibling over.

"Yeah.. Rain as rain, oh brother of mine."

Raph watches him for a minute, but nods, accepting that. He's got one hand on Donnie and one on Mike. Three out of four brothers are reunited from the crazy day, which actually wasn't so long of a time, but to Donnie it feels like an eternity.

"I'm so glad you're good, Dee!" Mikey pulls him back into another hug. Donnie pats his shoulder again.

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm good." Donnie says, still smushed against his youngest brother. Raph is behind them with a smile, but the second they pull apart he gets to the tough stuff that Donnie knew was coming.

"Where were you? You know we're not supposed to be topside solo." Raph's got his no nonsense, leader voice going on. Donnie's only heard it a couple times and _none_ of them were fun.

It's a lot less anger than he probably deserves, Donnie thinks, but it's still a difficult question to answer.

"I was, uh," he rubs the back of his neck, and now that the pressures on, he wishes he didn't remove his battle shell. He feels more exposed than ever, despite it only being his brothers with him. "captured by Warren Stone."

"Warren Stone?" Mikey questions, face crinkling in confusion. "Who's that?" He steps back, giving his brother more room.

"The worm guy Leo sliced in half that one time."

"Ohhh! That guy! Ha, he was funny. But wait how did that measly little thing capture _you_?"

"Donnie," Raph places Mikey beside so he stands completely in front of the soft-shell. "I _know_ you're not bout to say that freaky worm thing knows where we live."

"I wasn't." Donnie promises, mimicking the cross your heart motion on his plastron. Then, silent thoughts seeping in, he gets defensive. "I'm not an idiot, Raph."

"I... I _know_ you're not. Look, Don—"

"He doesn't know where the lair is." Donnie swears. "He only saw me because I went topside to get some air after the whole... He saw me, and then he claimed he was kidnapping me, and I don't know, I just went with him for awhile! _I shouldn't have! I just thought I still needed some air._ I shouldn't have done that, okay? Okay. I'm _sorry_ , okay? We're dropping it."

Donnie hadn't even noticed he'd been fidgeting with his hands the whole time he spoke, but when Mikey grabs them from him and holds them with his, he knows and has no choice but to look up at his brothers who are both now looking at each other. "I shouldn't have left to begin with. Or walked out of the lab," He continues, ignoring his previous request to drop the matter. "It was a horrible reaction to something that doesn't even matter, and I regret doing any of that."

It takes a minute for any of this to compute, but when his own words register and Donnie's loathing fear reaches the front of his mind. he's more than ready to turn around and walk away. Just in time, Raph is rubbing Donnie's shell with his hand to signal apparent compassionate understanding while Mikey has his big, somewhat over the top smile on which always seems to make everything better.

"Okay, hey. It's okay. We get it," Raph replies, soft as ever. " _I mean_. Course I don't understand _everything_. But ey, we screwed up too. Shouldn't have been so obsessive. That was not cool to keep following you around like that."

"To be fair, I do really like seeing you work on stuff!" Mikey beams, but then falters. "Just... next time, it'll be completely because of that. Sorry, Donnie."

Donnie nods, but he feels weird. Like their very words are close to bringing tears to his eyes. He nods again.

"We don't want anybody going missing, so next time let's just talk about this? Figure it out? Alright?" Raph suggests, with the same kindness he's had since they were small. "It's all good though, alright? We're just happy you're safe."

Mikey agrees and Donnie is avoiding eye contact, but then they hug. _Again_. And it really does feel a whole lot better.

"Hey, you guys?" Donnie asks from his place in the pile.

"Yeah, Dee?" Mikey questions, same time as Raph's "Yeah, Don?"

"Where’s Leo?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Donnie and Splinter hanging out! Yay 3/4 bros reunion!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo doesn't have evidence. He only has a strong guess and wishful thinking, because this is the biggest mutant establishment in the entire city after all, and if Donnie's not here, then that means he could be _anywhere._ And that’s something Leo really does not want to think about.

He stands there on the table, sword faced out and evident distrust written clear on his face.

He can hear the harsh whispers surrounding him, mocking him. He's not one to be mocked, not now, not ever. These are the same people he used to fist bump with when he and his brothers would stop by to eat.

Leonardo's hand twitches, sword shaking with it, and he knows right now that fist bumping is the furthest thing from their minds.

"—I'll ask you one more time. _Where_ is my brother?" He questions, in a complete battle stance.

"For the millionth time, GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT!" A _non_ - _important_ mutant man screams at him. Leo pays the owner no mind, just like he's been doing for the past hour and a half. He's spent so much time in here today, chitchatting to patrons. The plan was to use his clearly charming wit to get answers, but that just led to intense questioning when everyone insisted they had no idea what he was talking about. Then, it continued on with an armwrestling match between Leo and one particularly strong mutant, and when Leo lost he was asked to _leave_. So he followed that with what could quite possibly be perceived as a threat, and now for some reason things aren't working out so great.

Leo's goal is not to scare these people, but instead to find his brother. If freaking them out with his portal sword is enough to get even the tiniest bit of information about where Donnie may be, then he doesn't have a problem with a little healthy fear. Fear can be good. Fear gets people talking. _It just hasn't got anyone talking yet, but that's not to say it doesn't work._

"I highly doubt," a young woman, a mutant crossed between a human and a cat, starts. "anyone here knows where your brother is."

Leo scoffs, but her words make him lower his sword anyway. Just for a couple of seconds. _Of_ _course someone has to know where Donnie is_. "This is the biggest mutant restaurant in the city."

"Doesn't mean everyone is here." She retorts, flicking her tongue out at him. The woman goes back to sipping at her drink then, not caring that the blue masked ninja is standing on a table, threatening everyone in front of her. He stares at her for a few concerned moments.

"Did you ever think that _maybe_ your brother is hiding from _you!_ "

Leo looks over his shoulder, seeing that the same ticked off owner who won't let him do his thing is now glaring. Leo glares back even harder.

"He was taken by someone in here. I can feel it," is all Leonardo says.

" _WHAT LOGICAL PIECE OF EVIDENCE DO YOU HOLD THAT PROVES THAT?!"_

Leo falters, just a little. He doesn't have evidence. He only has a strong guess and wishful thinking, because this is the biggest mutant establishment in the entire city after all, and if Donnie's not here, then that means he could be _anywhere_. If he's not with a mutant, he could be with a human. And that's something Leo really does not want to think about, years of fears drilled in about what really angry people could do in his mind.

He's seen some cases of what really angry people could do himself. He's watched lives be turned upside down, because they were mutated and suddenly their friends and family didn't want them. He's seen people on the streets, screaming about what's happening with all these new mutants, and he's seen people attempting to fight said mutants and call themselves a hero to society afterwards. Leo doesn't want his family near those type of humans, least of all Donnie who's already clearly going through something right now.

"Shut up," Leo hisses, ignoring the pointed stares and louder whispers. "His phone was on the ground. Cracked. Something happened." Even Leo recognizes the tremor in his own voice.

"He could've just ditched the evidence," an Italian voice belonging to a furry, one eyed man mumbles to his partner. "If that idiot was my sibling, I _know_ I would."

"SHUT UP!" Leo screams, spinning around on the back of his feet and storming over to the booth where the odd couple is seated. The man wasn't talking to him, but Leo could hear. Could hear every harsh word, every insult, and every possibility that Donnie left because of Leo. It's not fair. They don't _know_.

A part of Leo's mind thinks back to some of the stuff he saw on Donnie's phone and the grip on his sword gets so much tighter. It's a legit possibility, maybe, because Donnie obviously was so upset about something at home.

The one eyed man is standing now, trying to coerce Leo into steady calmness. Leo's hand shakes on the hilt of his sword, aiming the blade towards him. The man beside him, a much shorter and stumpier three eyed mutant, does his best to dissuade Leo from any further action.

But Leo doesn't listen, isn't going to listen when it comes to this. Especially not when absolutely no one in this restaurant is listening to _him_.

Leo lifts up his sword, creates a portal, and shoves the first guy into it.

* * *

"This is too big a coincidence," Raph says on a rooftop, staring out at the surrounding hideouts made just for mutants through the secret city, and at the people evacuating a certain one. "I don't know what I'm gonna do with him."

"We don't know this was Leo," April answers, confident in thinking through every possibility, and happy to be part of it all thanks to yet another phone call giving her the latest update. "But yeah, okay. I'll admit it looks like it."

"It has Leo written all over it," Raph answers, face in his hands. "What has he gotten himself into this time?"

* * *

The portal is not too far, it only sends the guy downtown, but it's enough to strike fear and panic into the hearts of everyone. There's a shocked silence that follows immediately after, other than the guy the man was with yelling _what did you do_ over and over like a constant replay in Leonardo's mind.

If Leo was being honest, he'd admit he's surprised it even worked. He's had problems with portaling lately, his sword just not wishing to cooperate like his brother's weapons do, and it's actually kind of amazing that it's worked so well lately.

But the high of _adrenaline_ and _fear_ and _shock_ from his own action's pound through, and Leo simply says, "Hey, you can't blame me. I said it was the last time I would ask. Now _tell me where he is."_

Leo is all of 14 withholding nothing but good intentions for so much of his life. But _these_ _people_.. not only do they not care, _but_ _they mock him._ Donnie is still missing and Leo has been on his own for hours now with nothing to help find him. At this point, he thought he would have not only found his older brother, but have brought him back home to the delight and shocked faces of Raph and Mikey.

" _LEO, WHAT IS GOING ON?"_ A shout that sounds suspiciously like his eldest brother screams into the air. There's more silence, and the last thing Leo's gonna do is look up at the faces acknowledging his reprimand, or at Raph, probably prepping himself for the big _that's not a_ _hero_ speech already. There's silence, and then there's _screams_.

"LEO! Holy crap, woah. _Leo!_ " Another voice hollers.

Before he can even register what's happening, there's a loud cry from the restaurant goers, and the people who stayed inside even after witnessing Leo's wrath are scurrying left and right, darting from an unseen threat.

"Ha. I knew it was a good idea to bring you, April," he hears his brother say, otherwise confirming what the red-eared slider was already thinking.

Leo decides it's a safe enough time to look up as the mutants leave, with even the restaurant's owner zooming off in cowardliness. He almost wants to think it's a delayed reaction from his portal stunt, but when he cocks his head to the side he sees April running towards him and Raph right behind her, making the wall door disappear once more. He overhears some of the people yelling about how a human has made it in and starts to get it a little bit more.

Although tensing at first, he doesn't pull away when April engulfs him in a hug.

"Oh thank god- _oh thank god_ _you're safe!_ " She exclaims, not letting go even with one hand still gripping her baseball bat. "When Raph called about how you ran off, I was so worried!"

Leo's eyes meet Raph's, who's watching the crowd disperse while walking over.

April sways them left and right for a little while longer. Then, as though realizing the hidden question, she pulls back and questions fiercely, "WHY would you do that?! You better have some type of wonderful explanation."

"Are you okay?!" Raph asks first thing upon arriving at his side. His gaze darts around the restaurant, and then back at his little brother. Leo gives no more than a nod at the question.

"Were you... threatening those people?" Raph questions, almost in disbelief. Because he knows the answer, knows what he saw. Raph feels like he barley has a grip on the situation, just like so many others his brothers force him into, but this one is _different_. Raph feels weird about it, but he already knows. " _You were_ threatening those people!"

What started as a question ends as a declaration as his gentle eyes form a sharp glare towards his younger brother. "Leo!"

Pretty soon, April is muttering all kinds of shocked things too, and Leo seems to find the floor interesting as he refuses to look at them both.

"What were you doing?!" Raph asks again. "What did you _say_?"

"I barley said anything! _Oh my godddd_ ," Leo draws out.

Raph mumbles something under his breath, rubbing a hand at his forehead just to show the clear sign of stress Leo is making him endure. He repeats his brother's name with the faintest of breaths, apparently not willing to get worked up about this even more so.

"Leo, we heard you yell at everyone." Raph finally explains, gently as can be in this scenario. "That ain't cool. We got a lot to talk about. Did you _portal_ someone?"

Leo's head darts upwards. "There's no way you saw that."

"We didn't, but coming in here, two girls were talking 'bout it outside. Not to mention, people were running out of here!"

"So they _were_ afraid of me.."

" _Leo._ "

April rubs a hand on Leo's wrist. "Baby, no one should be afraid of you. You're great. You make _terrible_ life choices sometimes, but you're great."

If this was any other time, Leo would say something like _I know I am,_ but for once he simply shrugs, because what April is denying is what he wanted, at least in that moment.

"Leo, I just—I can't—what did you DO?" Raph asks, loudly and more stressed by the minute. He's not one to yell, or to get really mad at his brothers, but with the way Leo's been acting, it feels like there's no other way to handle it.

When Leo sighs, Raph continues, "I'm sorry. It's just... you know we can't afford to put more bad guys on our tail. 'Sides don't you wanna be able to hang out in these places? If we do something, screw up somehow, we're gonna get kicked out. I already don't think we're gonna be welcomed back here with open arms, _but_ —"

"—I really don't care if we come back here or not."

"...Okaaay," Raph puts on his best leader voice. "But we still don't wanna pick fights we don't need. We've got more than enough going on. We don't need to go 'round threatening people, Leo. That's not the way."

"Well I'm so sorry that isn't the _way_ , Raph!" Leo retorts. His fingers make air quotes as he mentions 'the way', but he still doesn't pause his fiery response. "So sorry I'm the only one who cares about getting Donnie back! Do you even hear yourself?! Donnie is GONE, disappeared, _missing in action_ , and he's probably not coming back! Not anytime soon! And you're over here worried about HOW I'm trying to find him?"

Shrugging off April's grip on his shoulder, Leo glares at the both of them. "And you know what? Maybe he has the right idea too. Because for some reason, you're all here lecturing ME instead of looking for OUR BROTHER!"

Leo breaths in and out deeply as he backs away from his best and only human friend and his oldest sibling. He was talking to Raph, mainly, but April looks just as shocked, if not horrified by his sudden outburst. Leo rubs a hand over his face, realizing what he's done and what he's implied, but before he can even say anything else—

"Leo, hey, hey, hey. Donnie's back home. That should've been the first thing I said, I guess, I'm _sorry_ ," Raph confides, impaling his word's into the stream of Leo's rising fears. He rubs the back of his neck in a sheepish manner. "Yeah, Dons okay. He's takin' care of Mikey right now."

Leo peaks out from behind his hand, just a smidge, and all silent thoughts about how April and Raph should leave, so he can keep doing what he's been doing, disperse as rational thought starts seeping through. Then, with a awkward laugh as he stares solely at his older brother, he cautions, "Raph..."

"Leo, dude, I'm serious. He came home when I was bringing back Mikey. It's okay."

"He came home when you were bringing back Mikey..." Leo repeats, testing the words out on his tongue.

"Yeah. Freaky worm dude found him. And everything's all good, little bro. Don's not upset about the following him around thing anymore. I took your advice."

" _He came home when you were bringing back Mikey._ " Leo laughs. Leo laughs a lot longer and harder and louder than he meant to. "That is such— _such_..."

Raph and April exchange a look.

"I haven't seen him either, so how about we head back? It's Saturday night. We could make hot chocolate, watch a movie?" suggests April. She's hoping that'll distract Leo, entertain both Raph and Leo, and move the brothers past what has gone down today, before Raph returns to lecture mode or Leo turns back into the free spirited ninja with no cares whatsoever.

"That sounds.. great, April," Raph concludes, clearly playing the role of peacemaker once again. "We can talk about what happened today later, Leo."

Leo opens his mouth—shuts it—and nods. Talking about whatever his biggest brother wants to discuss is the farthest thing on his mind, especially when there's so much more to process, but he'll humor his brother as though talking about it really is an option.

* * *

"Leo!" Mikey is quick when he zooms off from the beanbags and into his brother's arms. Bandaids and cream cover the marks on his flesh and shell, but to Leo it's worth no more than a distant glance. "You freaked me out! Raph wouldn't let me come with."

"Yeah, 'kay... Donnie's here?" The red-eared slider confirms, wanting to get straight to the point. His eyes scan the room for Donnie.

"He crashed on the couch like twenty minutes ago. Sorry guys, but he was pretty beat," Mikey announces. Despite now standing back and realizing he's not gonna get the same type of greeting he hoped for, he still keeps his upbeat attitude. "Hi, April!" He greets, as Raph and April shuffle closer.

Leo's faintly aware of Raph nudging the youngest and promising everything is alright, while also graciously thanking April for helping him round up Leo. He's also somewhat aware of Mikey going into depth of how Donnie nodded off while watching him play video games on his beloved DS, and how Mikey himself so proudly bested his own high score.

Leo knows that part is directed towards him, but he nods, barley caring, and when April pulls Mikey into a hug and Raph and her start questioning the obsessive amount of bandaids Donnie put on him, Leo slips away.

He hears April say they should probably postpone movie night and that she gets it. Leo, however, _does not._

Leo inches closer to the couch, reaching out and shaking his brother's shoulder in what he hopes is a gentle enough gesture that will not hurt, but, more importantly, wake him up. In a quiet voice that he still thinks will remain enough, he whispers, " _Pssh, Donnie_."

"Leo, what are you doing? Let 'em sleep." Raph comes out of nowhere, scolding him yet again. He bats his brother's hand away with no room for argument, stepping forward with all the seriousness of a professional bodyguard.

Yanking his hand back, Leo eyes Raph like he burnt him. Then, Leo sighs and formats an excuse. "Hey, I'm just thinking. Wouldn't he rather be in _bed?_ "

"I can take him. No biggie."

"...yeah, fine. Didn't think of that..."

Donnie shifts and immediately the blue-clad turtle focuses on the genius, with the hopes that he actually _did_ accomplish waking him. After a minute of nothing more than a changed position, the little hope that it worked dwindles.

Leo has always been impatient, quick, and fast. Those are some of the traits he's grown up with. He's the first to get hungry, the last to want to wait for a surprise, and he will always, _always_ win in a race, or call for a rematch until he gets bored. Those are some things he could count on, and apparently that impatient quality continues on with this.

Watching Raph as he uses all kinds of caution to lift their brother into his steady arms, Leo feels a strange bit of annoyance. He _missed_ Donnie. He _misses_ Donnie. He wants to talk to his brother, the one closest in age, about everything.

He doesn't know how to approach a conversation about the articles Leo saw on his phone, because for almost all his life he's jumped into the hard fights and hard conversations without thinking. He's never been one to think before he acts, and most of the time that turns out fine! Somehow, Leo doesn't think that approach will work as well when talking to Don.

"Hey, Leo?"

Turning, the red-eared slider sees his only younger brother staring back at him. Mikey's got a shy smile on his face as he speaks, and shy Mikey is _never_ good.

But Leo is not in the mood for talking and joking around today. He'll listen if Mikey really needs it, but right now? He's got enough on his plate.

"Yeah, bro?"

"I'm, y'know, sorry. About earlier. I should have been more defensive in that fight with Meat Sweats. I made some serious mistakes, I guess because I was worried about Donnie too. I get why you were upset about having to head back so soon. I totally screwed that part up. You're not mad... right?"

"It's fine," Leo replies, definitely not _not_ seeming mad. He lets out a long sigh. "It would've been better if I went back with you."

"I mean, I _guess_ , but I still think—"

"—it's okay, Mikey."

Mikey freezes, but then nods. After a few more seconds of awkward silence, he holds up his DS. "Hey... wanna play something? Kill some time until Raph comes back?"

"No thanks."

Mikey stares at him. "Oh. Oh, okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!! sorry for disappearing on you all last week. i kept pushing off making final edits and then kinda just freaked out about this whole thing, and before i knew it, saturday was long gone. normally if i’m not planning to update i’ll say something on tumblr @turtleheroes beforehand. hopefully this chapter made up for me leaving without notice <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He screwed up. He tried to be more out there and even now, _even now trying to be normal again,_ things still aren't okay. Donnie didn't expect they would be after a day, but he also didn't think they'd be _worse._

Donnie wakes to the smell of breakfast and the sound of his brothers' arguing.

That's never been new, those arguments. Somedays they're like his unofficial wake up call, during crashes in the lab where his brothers find him and decide it's best to let him sleep. For the most part, he's used to their _brotherly disagreements_ , and they always turn out fine.

Many of those arguments he's heard before stem from the most inconceivable places anyway—like the time Leo's skateboard went missing and he was so convinced somebody in the lair stole it, it's not at all possible he simply lost it. That back and forth was nothing for Donnie to be concerned about.

The raised voices today, like predicted, come from Raph and Leo. He tries not to focus on that and just let his brothers sort it out, tries to snuggle deeper into the crook of his arm and chase the remnants of sleep. Every so often, however, he hears Mikey's attempts of intervention. The youngest tries to offer more pancakes and eggs, but stalls when Leo tells him to relax because _he's got this._ And so the argument continues.

It keeps dragging on and on with Raph and Leo going at it. Leo, defending himself over something. Raph, trying to figure out why it is he did whatever he did.

Donnie pushes his head under the pillow, and for the first time all morning, realizes he's not in his lab. "Huh."

He flinches at the faraway voice of Leo, now lecturing Mikey on not intervening, and Donnie concludes that sleep is not gonna be a possibility anymore.

Donnie sighs as he listens to the loud voices of his brothers, and it doesn't take long for the night's memories to come rushing back to him. Before he can even fathom what he's going to do or how he's gonna do it, he hears Leo yell out, " _I am going to eat in my room!_ Goodbye!"

Donnie imagines Raph jumping to his feet right then and there.

They argue all the time, but forgive each other almost immediately afterwards. It never lasts for long, and is lots of times over the most random things that brothers tend to riff over. Donnie's sure they'll get over whatever _this_ is, and yet, for some reason, he's still semi-curious as to what the reasoning is _this time_.

Don gets up halfheartedly, dropping the comforter from his shoulders to his feet, and slipping his mask back on. The battle shell is nowhere to be found, so he takes a guess that someone stuck in back in the lab for him. It's fine, he'll trek on without it, but Donnie still feels weirdly confused and awkward by recent events and mistakes made.

But he exits his room just in time to see Leo start his march down the hallway, the teen muttering all kinds of things about how _no one gets it, he doesn't have to explain himself._

"Those statements seriously contradict one another," Donnie comments, eyebrows raised and unimpressed.

Leo's head shoots up, and his anger dissolves and switches to enthusiasm within seconds. "Donnie!" he cries out, rushing his way over to throw his arms around his technical twin. He pulls him into a hug, and Donnie smiles a little more than he meant to.

* * *

They're silent. Even when their dad shuffles by, they barley speak.

Donnie sits at a quiet table, carefully chewing scrambled eggs his youngest brother made. It's weirdly silent—it had been so loud before. Donnie feels like maybe it's because of him, and what happened yesterday. Because with them, the table is never silent. Breakfast is never silent at all. Breakfast is _loud_. And food gets thrown sometimes. And other times Leo and Mikey arm wrestle for seconds while Raph records it, laughing when they slip up and food falls. With them, the table is never silent, and now it is, and that's just...

There have been so many meals in Donnie's life where he's wished his brothers would stop talking, that way he could get things done in peace. Now that it's actually happening? It's too different. It's not a good different.

Donnie swallows a forkful, and feels like this is all his fault. He doesn't just _feel_ it, he knows it is. Even though he talked some of it out with Raph and Mikey, and Leo swarmed him with general joy this morning, Donnie is not an idiot. He can sense the uncomfortable atmosphere with things not said and lectures not given.

For a brief minute, he wonders if the silence could instead have something to with Leo and Raph.

Those two don't look at each other, haven't the whole meal. And Donnie's honestly really shocked neither of them have started an argument since he sat down.

...But when he examines that thought, picking apart every piece of evidence and what he knows about his brothers, he realizes it only increases the likelihood that this uncomfortableness is because of him. Raph and Leo were arguing just fine before Donnie got there. Nothing was a problem, except for their fight. And it's not that he wants his brothers to argue, he just wishes they'd _speak_. The silence is nauseating.

If they want to yell at him, fine. Donnie probably deserves it anyhow, but _wow_ , he wishes they'd just get to it already.

Leo, however, against Donnie's better judgement, doesn't seem to want that. Leo just seems strangely different, nothing but smiles every time Don glances in his direction.

That is why Donnie has stopped looking at him, or at any of his brothers.

Now he just stares down at his tablet, going so far as to not even look up at the plate in front of him. Donatello stares at the screen, feeling strange and shaky while he knows eyes are on him.

It's vaguely familiar. Following the same pattern when they were all so sure something was up, staring seemed like the obvious choice. Donnie's trying to be _normal_ now, though. And that's not gonna work if Leo is so silently sure there's something still wrong that only awkward grins can fix, or if Mikey and Raph just want to sit in silence.

So. Donnie tries. He rallies up his strength and tears his eyes away from his tablet.

Automatically all of his brothers' eyes are on him, each with different expressions.

"You want some more water?" Leo offers, stepping to his feet.

 _Yes, because water solves everything_ , Donnie thinks silently.

"No. I'm perfectly content with the amount I have, thanks."

Mikey takes this as an open invitation, and reaches across to grab Leo's cup. "Leo, do _you_ want anything?"

Leo sighs, deep and long, and puts his head in his hands. For the first time since Donnie has looked at him, Leo doesn't smile. "I told you I'm full, Mikey."

Raph frowns, like he's thinking something through, and Donnie doesn't even want to guess what it could be. It only drives him crazier that he has to be seated here to see this weirdness.

But he has to make an effort with these type of things. That's something he's known all his life, even without the security research provides.

"Sooooo," Donnie's fork scraps across the plate, as he glances dully up at his brothers. "Leon. What'd you do yesterday?"

Leo freezes for just a few seconds. Then, confident swagger reappearing, he leans forward with all the pride that he has. "Well. You're gonna laugh—"

"—he ain't gonna laugh," Raph cuts off, shooting a stern look towards Leo. "We talked about this.."

"Okay _, you know what!_ "

"I know we agreed you and me need'a talk about what happened yesterday once breakfast is over! That's what I know."

Leo scoffs. Waving his hands around in disbelief, he retorts, "I most certainly did not agree to that! Can you just chill for five seconds, Raph?"

Donnie goes back to staring at his plate. At least now he knows what their argument was about, somewhat. Still has no clue as to why it entails any of this, but small victories.

If Donnie had never messed things up, never had some strange epiphany about _feelings_ and _softness_ , they'd all be laughing right now.

Well. Donnie probably wouldn't be laughing—he'd still be staring at his tablet—but Raph, Mikey and Leo would be okay, and things wouldn't be nearly as uncomfortable as they are right now. Leo wouldn't be smiling constantly around Donnie, and maybe he wouldn't be arguing with Raph, he'd be joking around like the fool that he is. Mikey wouldn't be looking like the kicked puppy he's portraying, and Raph wouldn't be arguing with Leo over whatever messed up adventure their younger brother got into this time.

Donnie can't take this uncomfortable atmosphere, especially knowing his stupid quest to better express emotions caused it.

Awkward, suffocating silent air greets Donatello once more when Leo and Raph finally quiet, so he takes in a deep breath and scoots his chair back so he can stand.

This sets off another wonderful chain reaction, with all his brothers standing up too.

"I just... you know what? Stay. _I'm_ going to the lab."

Donnie starts to walk away, tossing out his plate and staring at his tablet once more. His brothers don't do that, but he hears small comments like _why'd he leave_ and _you guys yesterday was rough you really couldn't have cooled it today?_ Donnie's grateful that his brothers are all momentarily busy dealing with a discussion about the awkwardness that is his life. They're not gonna follow him, not when he's the reason they're all acting like this.

Because he screwed up. He tried to be more out there and even now, _even now trying to be normal again,_ things still aren't okay. Donnie didn't expect they would be after a day, but he also didn't think they'd be _worse_. Maybe he should've prepared himself for that, he prepares for everything else after all. Reading people, even though they're his own family, can be so difficult and unpredictable, Donnie can never explain it in proper terms.

Leo follows him.

Donnie doesn't notice this, until his brother's foot wedges in between the door that separates lab from the rest of the lair. Donnie tried to slam it shut when he came in, so there's no doubt that catching it hurt. Leo's got all his attention when he shifts inside.

Donnie keeps his head up from his desk, despite every fiber of his being telling him to hide his face and sulk in the name of his constant stream of miseries. He barley gets the chance to even sigh, when Leo attempts to make small talk.

"Sooooo..." Leonardo, his confident, so sure of himself, younger brother dwindles around with his hands. "That was crazy out there, huh?"

Donnie stares at him.

"Anything new you're working on? I'm honestly interested." Leo presses.

" _Uh huh_ ," Donnie remarks, silently knowing the real reason. No one trusts him yet, he's clearly insane. He ran off and stayed with Warren, overreacted just because he was worried about stupid emotions, said some crazy stuff, and now he's making them all uncomfortable with his sheer presence, a reminder of how badly he handles things. There's also the fight between his immediate older and immediate younger brother going on, so add that to the pile.

"Donnie," Leo steps forward, hands falling to his side. "I'm interested."

"No, Leo. I am not working on anything you haven't seen. Nothing you would care about, I promise you."

Leo stutters a little at that, mumbling obscenities that Donnie can barley understand. When Donnie's brother looks back up, tries to regain his footing, he speaks again, "We were all worried about you yesterday. Glad you're okay."

It's so sweet and so unlike Leo to be so direct in his kind words, at least without some type of joke sprinkled in between, Donnie feels even stranger.

He shrugs, casually, and tries to be fine. "It wasn't that big of a big deal. I can handle myself for a few hours, Leo." He looks over at his nearest invention and mumbles at his lowest volume, " _I know no one wants to believe that, but.."_

Donnie doesn't want to be mean about it. He loves his family and ideally would still like to show that more. There's too much going on for that to happen right now though, too many relationships that still need to mend themselves thanks to Donnie. Until that can happen, until all four brothers are back to normal, trying and messing up what was already a pretty good thing would be wrong.

Leo, meanwhile, thinks back to this morning, Donnie stumbling out of his room and Leo racing up to him and enveloping him in a welcome home hug, and Donnie _smiled_.

Donnie's not smiling now though, hasn't smiled all throughout breakfast. Leo is probably not handling this the right way, but he wants to handle it _as soon as possible_. Rip the bandaid off, that's what their father would sometimes say when they had things to tell him.

"Can we talk?" Leo asks, unsurely.

Donnie opens his mouth. "Isn't that what we'r—"

There's a slam on the door that's probably supposed to be a knock, undoubtedly by their biggest brother. Leo flinches when it takes him by surprise. And then they both hear—

" _Can I come in?"_

Leo looks to Donnie, silently begging him to say no, but Donnie looks more uncomfortable than he does annoyed, and that's only backed up when he says, "yes, Raph."

Raph pushes open the door and Donnie adds, "you don't.. you don't need to knock."

"I just figured..."

"It's fine."

Raph nods, and pretty soon they're all staring at each other again. Donnie fidgets with his pen, feeling more awkward by the second, and Leo just stands there, clearly waiting for Raph to leave.

"I knew Leo followed you in here," Raph claims, eyes shooting towards the blue-clad brother. "Don," he asks, looking back at the genius. "You need him for anything?"

Leo looks at Donnie and mouths _yes, yes, please yes_ , because not only does Leo have a pretty good idea of what Raph wants him for, but he really, truly just wants to talk to his returned brother. They need to have this conversation _now_. He needs to tell Donnie he gets it, and it's okay, and nobody thinks horribly of him, they all love him, and that he shouldn't stress so much.

Donnie shakes his head though, and answers, "he's all yours."

Leo can't even do anything when Raph drags him off, ready to lecture on responsibility and teamwork and not portaling random people. Leo can't even do anything when he sees Donnie resting his head in his hands, while scrolling through his phone. Leo is dragged over Raph's shoulder.

* * *

"I really don't get it."

"Well.. can't help you there then. Bye!"

Racing toward's Raphael's door, Leo moves fast. Not fast enough that he successfully makes his escape, but fast enough that during this time, his third try, he at least gets a grip on the doorknob before Raph yanks him back onto the bed. " _Leo_."

" _Raph_."

Raph sighs, trying and struggling to handle this in a responsible, brotherly way. It's difficult, because of how every attempt he makes to have a more meaningful conversation ends in rejection by his younger brother _who just wants out_. Raph sighs again and lets go of Leo's hand. "What is with you lately?"

"Hey! I could ask the same to you! It's been almost a whole day and you're still on this? You know I'm unpredictable! That's— _my thing!_ "

"Leo. I'm not kidding around this time," Raph chides. He looks his younger brother over up and down, while Leo pouts. "What's going on?"

"You know you didn't have to drag me out of Donnie's lab. _This,"_ Leo gestures between them, then goes back to crossing his arms _._ "wouldn't make a difference if it was happening now or in an hour."

"Did Don say something to you that you're not telling us about?"

"...W-What?"

Raph rubs his face, before replying, "I'm trying to... think through all the options here. You gotta give me something."

Leo relaxes his crossed arms, just slightly. "You've never done that before."

"Yeah, well. You've never done who-knows-what, _I just know it involves portaling random people_ , before."

Staring down at his lap, Leo picks at a loose string of fabric on the bed. It's quiet for a moment or two, before he promises, "I'm not going to portal random people again. Stop worrying about that, Raph. It is okay."

"Were you just worried about Donnie?" Raph asks gently. His eyes trail to Leo's shell, the part of his brother that faces him, when he continues. "Because that's okay. Pretty sure any explanation you got is okay. I just... wanna make sure, y'know, _you're_ okay. You've got a bunch of people here to talk to, if you ever need it. And obviously we worry."

Leo pauses; looks up at his biggest brother with a silent, shaky nod. Raph wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him in, and at this point, Leo can't even be mad anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me give donnie a hug. let me give leo a hug. let me never stop hugging them, because this fic is about to get seriously rougher for them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo knows Donnie knows that this drill is something Mikey is excited about. He's pretty sure Donnie is only trying to make a big deal about it because of that. Because he thinks he sucks at feelings and machines are the only way.

Donnie has always had a lot of ideas about everything in life. Since they were young kids, he's figured out ways to not only live but _thrive_ in their conditions. Some of those ideas worked, some didn't, but it never mattered because Donnie put so much effort and thought into each invention. Leo remembers the teasing remarks he made, but also the subtle gratefulness.

That same brother still has a whole lot of ideas now. Scattered blueprints, charts and diagrams are among the many, _many_ things found in Don's lab. Leo eyes it all with uncertainty, but he doesn't have time to actually get a feel for what they are, because he's got a job to do. And with all this stuff he's found out about his brother lately, he's not going to blow it on the one job Donnie actually accepted his help for. His and Mikey's.

He wants to talk to him still, but he keeps missing his chance.

When Leo raced back to the lab after Raph's talk yesterday, the doors were locked. Leo really did not expect that, but nothing of this situation has been expected. So he called Donnie on the phone, despite his brother being only a door away. He asked if he could open it and if they could talk. Donnie said they could talk, only it would need to be later that night.

Later that night, when Donnie made sure to at least make an appearance, Mikey was so fixated on the idea of them all doing something fun, like skateboarding or training or cooking or _literally anything_. And of course Raph thought that was simply the most incredible idea ever, especially since they had just stocked up on food a few days prior. Making cookies seemed like a perfect idea.

Donnie originally tried to slip away at that, but he ended up staying when Mikey hugged him, begging kindly that this would be the _best family activity ever_. Splinter came out and insisted it was a good idea too, adding to Michelangelo's excitement, although Splinter's was made by the promise that he got to try whatever they cooked.

The only one not onboard had been Leo, and that just crushed Mikey all the more. So Leo stayed, making sure to stick to his immediate older brother's side. Donnie looked done with just about everything the whole evening, and that had been that for the night.

Now, Leo sits on the lab floor. Wedged between an overjoyed Mikey and a concentrated Donnie, he tries to focus. Raph and April are outside the lab, making snacks for them all. And although Leo knows now is not the perfect time to have a serious conversation with his brother, it brings in a closer possibility of it happening soon.

 _If only Mikey would leave for a couple minutes, just so they could talk_... as terrible as that sounds.

"Hey, Miguel?" Leo asks, borrowed googles bobbing up and down his face. Mikey looks up immediately. "Wanna see how long till Raph and April are done?"

Mikey's gaze darts from his brother to the work-in-process drill. "But... the drill.."

 _The drill_. The one thing Donnie has accepted help on, and that's only because they're all so passionate about it being made. At this point, Leo feels like Donnie is only working on the drill because of _them_. And that guess is backed by how awkwardly Donnie had emerged from the lab today, rubbing his neck and mumbling that he's working on the drill again, _so if anyone would like to see.._

Mikey came running of course. Raph, too. Leo followed behind and tried to make small talk, which of course barley mattered.

Leo knows Donnie knows that this drill is something Mikey is excited about. He's pretty sure Donnie is only trying to make a big deal about it because of that. Because he thinks he sucks at feelings and machines are the only way.

Leo loves his brother, but even before this he's never had a healthy working schedule. So many times he's forgone food and sleep to get something done. No one, especially not Leo, is gonna let him get away with that because of the drill they are all obsessed with.

"I guess the drill won't miss me for too long!" Mikey then says, flashing Leo a big grin.

Leo nods, says his thanks, and feels like _nows the time_ once Mikey stands up and heads toward the door.

But... Donnie stops Mikey, tells him to wait, says that Raph and April will be done soon enough, and Mikey agrees.

Mikey apologizes to Leo about it though. Leo doesn't care.

* * *

He looked up what to do in awkward situations and he figured this was the best route to take.

Mikey was happy by it, overjoyed that he brought up the drill once more and was actively working on it. It made Mikey smile, and the lab didn't feel quite so claustrophobic like it did when Donnie was alone with his thoughts.

Mikey just kept on talking, asking questions so often and so loudly, there wasn't really room for any awkward silence.

"This is so cool," Mikey says to Leo. Practically vibrating in his spot on the lab floor, he shows off his glee. "I can't wait till it's not in—what's the word, Dee?"

"Beta," Donnie answers.

"I can't wait till it's not in beta!"

"It'll take awhile, but _eventually_.." the genius trails off, with a hint of a smile on his face. "Just don't get too excited. There's still a long while to go, what with the glitches, and calculations yet to be made. Oh, and perhaps..."

Mikey's joy is somewhat contagious, so it's not _the worst thing_ , but Donnie doesn't want to end up disappointing his brothers more than he already does.

When Donnie turns the drill on and it spins, Mikey _ooohs_ and _awws_ and nudges Leonardo's side. Leo stands now with his arms crossed, brushing his baby brother off to stand taller, but when Donnie glances out of the corner of his eye to shoot him a curious glance, Leo is all smiles like nothing's the matter.

Leo's still being weird. Raph and Mikey have somewhat calmed down, except Mikey seems to have notice their sibling's new personality too. Because he keeps on making an effort to talk to him, despite the fact that Leo tries at every turn to do otherwise, and it's frustrating just to watch.

Leo just wants to bother Donnie about something, probably discuss the mistakes Don has made. He can already imagine how that conversation would go..

_Hey, Donnie, you've got a whole lot wrong with you. Bet you wish you could be as cool as me. Hardy har har._

Okay, maybe not exactly like that— _Leo would never say hardy har har—_ but it still isn't reassuring having to deal with his constant stream of smiles and conversation directed solely at him.

So Donnie stands there. Focuses on Mikey, on his overeager and imaginative younger brother, who somehow makes things better. Mikey smiles at Donnie, only briefly frowning at the rejection Leo keeps giving him.

April and Raph don't take more than ten minutes to come in, and when Donnie heads over to them beside Mikey, he thinks maybe with a little more time it'll all be okay.

They spend the next few hours snacking on popcorn and discussing the drill.

* * *

Brushes on canvas, colors splashed together by paint, Michelangelo completes roughly one fourth of his masterpiece before he pulls away.

"—Raph. You have gotta stop moving."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Raph squirms on the couch, a basket of yarn working as a creative prop in his hands as he shuffles around to get comfy. He tries to get as close as he can to the original position before adding, "I finally get why Leo didn't wanna do this today. Harder than it looks."

Mikey shrugs, filling in the red of his brother's bandanna. After a couple seconds pass, he answers back, semi-playfully, "I dunno. Maybe it's hard, but you should try being the artist!"

Mikey lifts up the start of his painting, blurry lines and a scattered figure that's undoubtedly caused by Raph's movements clear on the page.

"Uhhh... it still looks good to me?"

Mikey laughs a bit at that, and paint splashes onto his carapace. He doesn't really care that there's paint on him or that his project isn't starting out too well, not when he's getting to do his favorite hobby for the first time in a week. "Leo's missing out."

"Yeah. He is."

It's perfect timing, or maybe the worst of timings, because right when they say that, Leo strolls by. Confident saunter and puffed up chest and all, he walks right by them, making a beeline towards the lab door and not even listening for the mention of his name.

Mikey and Raph exchange looks and then simultaneously agree to follow.

Leo is about ready to knock on the door when they get there, but it seems like the door has plans of its own when it swings open by itself. Leo jumps back, because this is new. When Donnie's in the lab working on something, he tends to desire solitude—even more so now. They were lucky to get access earlier today, but now?

Now out walks Donnie. Tech bo in his right hand and a bunch of notes and blueprints in the other, he steps forward.

Donnie can only get away with looking startled for a couple seconds, because soon afterwards he blinks a few times and explains to the best of his abilities, "Uh. Didn't think you'd all be gathered outside the lab."

He starts to walk away, _and Leo looks about ready to chase after him_ , when all of a sudden Raph calls his name out. "Wait. Don. Where you going?"

"Oh, right." Donnie swipes at something on his phone, not looking up. "Junkyard."

"Donnie. By _yourself?_ "

Donnie looks up, frowning.

"You three are preoccupied, correct?" He asks. He makes it sound like a question, but it's clear he's thought this through all along. Leo is positive so. "Mikey mentioned you'd be busy painting."

"I don't mind taking a break..." the youngest offers.

"We're not too busy for a trip upside. You know the rules," the red masked turtle agrees. "Come on, Don. After what just happened? You probably should pick somebody."

"Okay. Micha—"

"—I'll go!" Leo screams out, hand above head automatically. Eyes dart towards him just as fast.

When he notices, Leo wants to feel embarrassed, but doesn't. He simply explains, "Raph, you and Mikey are busy. _Duh_. I'm the only one good to go."

"You hate the junkyard," Donnie responds, flatly.

"Yeah, obviously, but," Leo strikes a pose, and then examines his hands. "I am willing to sacrifice my time and energy for my beloved brother." He changes positions to slip an arm around Donnie's neck, practically beaming with pride for himself.

Donnie looks to both Raph and Mikey for assistance, but gets none.

"...I guess Leos coming," a cautioned Donnie announces. "It's going to be boring."

"Pffft, fine by me."

"...Alright." Slipping his phone away, Donnie gives a nod goodbye to Mikey and Raph, both of which are too busy trying to figure out what's up with Leo's to say anything in return. "We'll be back in precisely four to five hours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we go....
> 
> i hope you guys are enjoying this!! your comments make me so happy, so tysm <3 im working on a chapter a little ways from this next one and it is Rough. ive been stuck on it for like a week and a half, but all the sweet things you beautiful people are saying help me through it. thank you!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know what his brother's game is or why he's still smiling. _He should have stopped by now, this whole thing should be in the past._ All Donnie knows is that Leo is here, even when Donnie tried to walk away just to test the follow, and that he's staying.

There was a time, when they were kids, when Donnie and Leo snuck out.

They were eight. It was a combined effort, with Leo wanting adventure and Donnie wanting a new experience, plus they both hoped to see the famous sights of the city they live beneath. Donnie had always heard so much about New York City from textbooks and tv, but it was only on rare occasions when their father deemed it safe enough that they got to visit. Those moments happened just once every few months and were even less likely as they got older and could be trusted to stay home by themselves.

So, when Leo appeared at an equally young Donnie's door and asked "wanna do something crazy fun?", his eyes had gotten so big and bright, he was automatically up for anything.

Donnie remembers that night perfectly.

_It's their first time separated from their brothers and father. "Raph and Mikey wouldn't want to come if they knew," Leo declares as he balances on the edge of a building, mere minutes after making their getaway and finding a safe enough rooftop to plan what comes next. "Plus they could be snitches. Where do you wanna go first, twinsy?"_

" _I dunno," Donnie answers, eyes glued to the map. Truthfully he does know, he's been studying the city ever since he learned how to read. "The museum of Natural History looks promising."_

_He's just so grateful a map found its way into the sewers. Dirty and stained, it's still legible enough to direct them to where they want to go. There are so many places Donnie wants to uncover the mysteries of, so much he's heard about in his eight years of living. Leo looks equally thrilled and Donnie's glad he's there, glad he's not alone and that he has a brother willing to take risks with him._

_Leo barley even boos at the mention of a museum, he just dances around with his new collection of I Heart NYC bead necklaces as they walk there. He's got one for every member of their family who didn't come. Donnie, on the other hand, wears an oversized T-shirt with a big apple on it, snatched from a shopping stand just outside an alley. And both the brothers have already stuffed handfuls of New York City merchandise into the backpack that guards his shell. The physical memory of this trip will never run out._

" _You think they'd notice if I took it?" Donnie asks, referring to the copper statue of Theodore Roosevelt that guards the museum steps. He stares at it, eyeing what it's made of as his brother scoots closer._

_Leo tilts his head, trying to get a better look._

" _I think it's too big," he finally decides. "Would take too long to drag home. 'Sides. Why would you want to bring that boring, old statue anyway?"_

" _I like the horse," Don explains with a shrug. The question doesn't even bother him. "And the copper could be useful if melted."_

_They end up leaving the museum sooner than expected with arms full of Cheeto bags—one hundred percent Leo's idea—because, as good as the artwork and other declamations of history was, there is nothing comparable to the taste of those newly discovered cheesy chips. Vending machines are an easy target to wiggle stuff out of, and the second Leo had the idea to use Don's bo staff they hit a gold mine._

" _You think they'd notice if I took that?!" Leo asks at their next stop, pointing to a skateboard tied up on a rack. He looks up at his brother with wide, hopeful eyes, face covered in Cheeto dust._

_Donnie looks it over, but then nods. Explaining that since it's there unattended, the owner is probably in the shop nearby, which means it's open, which means if they went down and snatched it, they'd be seen. Also the owner is traveling by skateboard, which is a big help to the environment, so taking what they use to get around probably isn't in anyone's best interest._

_Leo looks disappointed though. But as they walk away with Leo clearly bummed, Donnie promises to himself that he'll get his brother a skateboard someday. One of the best skateboards ever created, he promises._

_Leo lights up the second the stars above brighten, and they sit on a rooftop for several minutes watching the lights they can't see underground._

_Their adventure is ultimately cut short when Splinter finds them, two hours and forty five minutes later. Just before they start trying to climb the Empire State Building, their father is there with hands on his hips and a clear scowl on his face._

_Leo handing him a noisy necklace with the words I heart NYC did not appease the angry rat-man, and, if anything, only made their grounding longer._

When Donnie thinks back on it, his first thought is that eight year olds make a lot of mistakes. Clearly stealth was not their strong suit back in the day, truthfully Donnie is not always sure it is now. The second thing he thinks of, is how that experience actually still means a lot. It was his first real taste of adventure. And it was exciting, and thrilling, and he got to see _so much_.

Nowadays Donnie is fortunate he can travel beside his siblings, fight mutated humans and all kinds of other bad guys, and actually study and learn from the city he lives beneath.

He still has his big apple shirt, though, kept deep in the back of his room. Splinter may have taken out all of the coins from their jars of money, but being broke was completely worth it for those items of memory. Donnie is pretty sure Leo felt, and feels, the same way.

Donnie and Leo have always been sort of a pair when it comes to mischief making. Almost every time one got in trouble, the other would be right by his side.

Donnie remembers this, remembers the things they used to do, and now he glances back at his brother who is oh-so-helpfully holding all his blueprints for him.

Leo smiles, like he's been doing so much of lately, and Donnie lifts his head in acknowledgement.

Donnie can't even blame Leo for suddenly acting so weird around him, hard as he tries, because Donnie doesn't know how to act around anyone anymore.

* * *

Leo is nothing but pure joy when they head over, arriving at a junkyard miles out of the city. He flips and twirls his sword with the utmost confidence because finally, _finally_ , he's getting to spend some time alone with his brother. Finally, he's getting a chance to communicate, finally, he's going to talk to him about what's on his phone, and, _finally_ , Donnie can't lock himself behind the lab doors anymore.

Leo smiles, and the more he does the more Donnie meets his gaze and stares at him. He's suspicious, that's painstakingly clear. But it's fine, because if things go well they'll be talking everything out within the hour. Leo flashes his brother his famous finger guns in a attempt to hold him over.

"Okay. So you know what we're looking for?" said genius asks, checking again for the twelve time.

Leo doesn't care how many times Donnie asks. Maybe he'd whine or groan a month ago, but not now.

"Of course," he replies smoothly. "Have a'lil faith. I got the notes."

"I have plenty of faith, thank you. And notes are fine and helpful, but these materials don't always take a solid basic form since they're used in such common, everyday appliances. If you don't know what something is, _ask me,_ and make sure to—"

"Sorry, Don. I got it. You need me to find metal scraps, tires, and steel! _Leon's gotchu._ "

Leo beams and Donnie frowns. Then, nodding, he lets it go.

"Just be careful. We don't want to draw more attention to ourselves. Believe me, it will not go well."

"When have I ever _not_ been careful?"

Donnie shoots him a serious look. "Last time you came on one of these trips with me, you destroyed several of my belongings and nearly caused a fire in one of the cars."

"Note the word _nearly_ ," Leo counters, propped up against a stack of trash. "And I won't this time! I'm sticking right by you!"

As if to demonstrate this, he slides up beside his brother and wraps an arm around Donnie, physically yanking them both closer together.

"Uh huh," Don replies, with the smallest of smiles as he brushes Leo's hand away. "Whatever you say, Leo."

* * *

Donnie had expected him to wander off within the first five minutes of searching. He expected his brother to find something—really, _anything_ —that would be more interesting than looking for 'metal junk', as Leo himself had once called it months ago.

But he stays. Wandering no further than a stray pile of garbage, Leo really doesn't go anywhere other than, as promised, Donnie's side.

Donnie doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't know what his brother's game is or why he's still smiling. _He should have stopped by now, this whole thing should be in the past._ All Donnie knows is that Leo is here, even when Donnie tried to walk away just to test the follow, and that he's staying.

Leo is not trying to give Donnie a heart attack by going missing, like he's nearly done on previous trips. Leo is just standing there, actually looking for the supplies Donnie needs, smiling, and making small talk.

Donnie sorta hates it.

Not knowing something, like why his brother is now going out of his way to be less careless all while equaling the mutant turtle equivalent of sunshine, something that is typically _Mikey_ or even _Raph's_ department most days, is infuriating.

He thought Leo would be over the whole awkwardness Donnie caused by now. It's been days after all. Raph and Mikey have moved on, _why can't Leo?_

"Metal or plastic again?" Leo asks, holding up some supplies.

Donnie squints to get a better look. "Plastic."

Groaning, Leonardo tosses the child's toy back into the pile of trash. "Dang it."

"It shouldn't be so difficult. Plastic is typically flimsy and clear. Metal is a much sturdier solid."

"Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry."

Donnie examines a piece of a broken fishing rod. "It's—it's _fine_."

It's so strange. Donnie feels the mountains of uncertainty piling on more often now. Leo is a huge factor in so much of what's happened, and if he could just move on, like their brothers did, and believe everything's fine once again, _it would be fine_.

When Leo glances over, truly looks at his brother, Donnie would do anything to make him stop. So, he barks out quickly, "can I help you with something?"

"No, no. Well _not realły,_ " Leo answers, swaying on the backs of his feet. And Donnie sighs, because _not reall_ y has always meant _yes really_ when it comes to Leonardo.

"Kinda? I guess? Uhhh, so _wow this is rough,"_ Leo stalls. "I kinda wanted to talk to you about something."

"Clearly. Look, Mikey will forgive you for whatever you did, he always does."

"Yeah! Wait—what?"

"It doesn't matter," Donnie excuses, with a head shake. "Forget I mentioned it."

Leo makes a quick note to absolutely _not_ forget he mentioned it, but sends that to the back of his mind for thinking about later.

"...Look. I've been thinking about something for awhile now," Leo explains.

He claps his hands together. Somehow he gets Don's full attention at that, because when he looks back at his brother, Donnie is watching him with all kinds of concern and compassion radiating through. Leo smiles again for a brief couple seconds, because that's just more proof that his brother _cares_ and has actual working emotions, contrary to what he thinks of himself.

"Alright," Leo begins, sucking in a deep breath. "Here we go."

* * *

"— _and okay, okay, okay. SO. We looked through your phone and I know that was not the best idea. Totally invasion of privacy, I agree, but your phone was the only thing that gave a clue to where you were and it was_ right there _and you'd been acting so weird before that and_ I don't know man _we wanted to know ALL THE OPTIONS! Isn't that a good thing to have? If you were there, I'd feel like you'd want to know all the options. Always examine the evidence, you know? And okay, okay, SO—"_

Donnie blinks.

"We were screaming at an empty door," Leo repeats for the fifteenth time.

* * *

"You're not even bad at emotions," Leo declares, while pacing back and forth. He moves faster at certain parts of his speech, but never quits talking. "You don't gotta worry! Never in my entire life have I ever stopped and said, 'hey Donnie's bad at feelings' because that has nothing to do with our lives! Don, I don't know why you feel the need to worry, you really shouldn't worry so much.

"I've been trying to talk to you about it for, like, ever!" He exaggerates. "Everything just kept getting in the way!"

* * *

"Empty doors are so not fun to scream at. This whole week has been so painfully awful, probably even worse for you I bet!"

* * *

"—I also really want to say i get it if you're like _ugh Leo that terrible yet lovable brother of mine_ right now, so I'm gonna give you a few secs to take it all in. But, uh, before I step away and letcha do that... Raph, Mike and I love you, Donnie. Okay? So you don't need to worry, we know you love us too. So yeah, time for that breather now?"

Leo's brother stares at him, and Leo feels a little more than uncomfortable under the scrutiny that is Donatello's processing face.

Leo doesn't step back, like he said he would. Just stares in return for a couple more seconds.

"I've been talking a lot," Leo tries, hoping that'd bring forth a conversation or at least a glimpse into Don's mental state. "So it'd be great if you could say something first before I scoot away and give you time."

Donnie breathes, in and out, and looks down at his bag of junkyard collectibles _and throws it to the floor_.

Leo flinches, cringes, and steps away from the impact zone. His brother is now staring at the ground, so Leo ever so carefully sneaks up beside him to toss a comforting arm around his shoulder, just like always.

But Donnie jerks away, wordlessly. And Leo has never had one of his brothers jerk away from him before, so he stares at the space Donnie had just occupied, and starts to offer something, _anything,_ to try and ease the situation he's currently lost in. "Woah there. That was... hey Donnie?"

"— _NO!_ You don't get to talk this time, Leo! That's all you ever do," Don's voice breaks at the last line, but he doesn't give Leo a second to do anything about that either. When his brother lifts his hand back up, maybe as comfort, maybe as a peace offering, Donnie shoves it away. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Look, I get—"

"—You don't ' _get_ ' anything. YOU NEVER FREAKIN' HAVE! You think I honestly care about any of that? I don't. It's just pointless research. A stupid study I've been reading regarding _human_ emotions, THAT IS _IT!_ Are you really so desperate for attention you have to make whatever you can find into some terrible situation?" he fumes.

Leo shifts away from his brother, but fires back, "I'm not desperate for attention!"

Donnie scoffs, clearly not believing that for even a second. He snatches his tech bo from behind and holds it close, grabs the one metal sheet that landed within a reasonable distance, and refuses to give Leo the satisfaction of seeing the look on his face. And Leo approaches slowly behind again, hands raised in defense.

"You're mad. It's a lot, I get it. But I haven't mentioned it to anyone if that's what you're freaked out about! Look, it's not a _bad_ thing—we all have struggles. Last month, I thought my portals would never work. And guess what? I am nailing them now! Master portal creator at your service!" He slides up beside Donnie.

"Are you really comparing this MAKE BELIEVE PROBLEM to your STUPID PORTALS!"

"They are NOT stupid! Seriously, can you just chill for a second? I'm starting to get the feeling I'm not your favorite brother right now."

"You are insufferable, you are an accident waiting to happen!" Donnie storms forward, with Leo trailing behind, as he talks. "How about we get home and tell everyone else what you think is wrong with them? Or is this just a me thing? FIGURES the attention hungry Leonardo would wait until we're out alone just to converse about this, so he could go back and play the role of hero!"

Leonardo glares firmly back at Donatello, small pools of anger and hurt rippling through. "Uh, I _waited_ until we were out alone so you wouldn't act like this! Wow Donnie, maybe I just shouldn't have said anything, I should've just left you to think that you suck at emotions apparently, huh?"

He knew his brother wouldn't handle this conversation in the best way, but he expected tears and maybe a possible denial or two. That was probably too naive. Donnie practically never cries.

Donnie's fists clench. Sound rings in his ears and his heart pounds against his chest as Leo talks and talks, rambles on about how _this isn't a bad thing, no one has ever thought badly of you_ , all that bullshit. It's suddenly hot outside, despite the cold air of New York lowering in numbers. Donnie's hands shake, and he's not even sure if he's angry or embarrassed or a cruel, cruel mixture of them both, he just wants _out of his head_. He is sure, however, that he needs to get away from his brother. Far away where Leo can't try to _help_ him.

He doesn't get that option right away because soon Leo tries to reach out to touch him again, _and Donnie shoves him off_.

Leo slides backwards a bit, feet making tracks in the mud. It's far from the worst that the the purple-clad ninja could've done, that's still his _brother_. His brother who knows no personal boundaries, invades his trust, and then taunts him about it..

Donnie stares and Leo stares, like the most unfortunate staring contest there ever was. And then Leo speaks up,

"It's okay—it's fine, whatever. _Don, Donnie, bro, my guy—_ "

Donnie turns around and starts to walk away.

Leo makes a sound of surprise, but wastes no time jogging up after him. It's no use because at the same time Donnie starts to _run_. "Where are you going!"

"I'm going home!" Donnie snaps, pausing his trek onward to glare furiously at his younger brother. "Do you have a problem with that? Ooh! Or maybe _I_ have a problem with that! Please educate me great and wise Leonardo, tell me all my problems, play the role of some stupid therapist, clearly it's your FREAKIN' _DESTINY_!"

"Why are you mad at _me?_ If anything be mad at how you feel!"

He is. He is more and more everyday. Donnie grips his tech bo tighter and glares down at the ground as he quickens his pace.

"Donnie, c'mon!" Leo yells, running faster and faster to keep up. They speed through the edge of the city, it's a long way home, and Leo really doesn't want more of this. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I ambushed you! Clearly I didn't handle this the best way. _Donnie!_ "

Don gives Leo a brief look and then looks forward and doesn't look back at Leo again the whole way home.

Leo screams at him, demands he stops running for _just one minute i'm trying to talk to you here_ , and curses his brain for making him think having a conversation like this with his brother would work out perfectly.

Donnie dips into a manhole the second they hit the city, and Leo dives in after him. Still screaming, his chest burns something awful.

They didn't get to have their full adventure all those years ago, breaking the rules and exploring the city, and they didn't get to truthfully discuss what's been going on either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so the drama unfolds. poor kids. leo, you tried.
> 
> okay so! i know i wasn’t able to update last week, if you follow me on tumblr hopefully you saw me say that beforehand, and i’m really sorry but i’m not gonna be able to update next week either. i'm going to new york, home of the ninja turtles. i’m really excited but i don’t think i’ll have time to go through and edit the next chapter. really sorry. i’ll be posting a christmas oneshot soon, so hopefully that makes up for it?
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter!! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If his brother wants to ignore him, fine by Leo, but he’s not gonna sit around doing nothing.
> 
> Or maybe he is, just until the next time Donnie shows himself. He never really knows what to do while he waits. Pacing didn't work. Standing by Donnie's door didn't work. Simply screaming Donnie's name was the worst of it all, he got more than an earful from their father who didn't want to hear it. There's nothing to do now to change things, so he distracts himself and plays ping pong with Mikey.

"—that makes no sense, why would Leo be mad at you?"

Mikey sighs, paintbrush long put away and arms wrapped around his small frame as he leans against the back of the couch. Smushed in right beside his oldest brother, he doesn't know how to exactly explain what he's been feeling.

"I dunno," Mikey answers honestly. "He just is."

"I don't think so, Mike. Leo's been acting weird to all us lately. Heh. Like he caught Donnie's strangeness or something. I'm sure it's fine, I'll talk to him for ya—"

"— _nobody talk to me, nobody look at me, or so help me you will suffer the consequences_ —" A flash of purple and green whisks by, and it takes Mikey a minute to realize that's Donnie, returned surprisingly soon from junkyard finding. Mikey normally always goes with him, and on most days he's lucky if they leave before sunrise.

He blinks, and then Don's gone. And within literal seconds, the brother they'd been discussing appears and disappears just as fast.

"Leo!" Raph calls and Mikey shakes his head no. Tries to make him stop. Raph normally always listens to the input of his brothers, but he's also apparently curious as to why Donnie and Leo are moving at the speed of light. Fortunately he only focuses on that, and Mikey sighs in relief when the few simple words tumble out of his mouth. "What's going on?"

Leo rounds the corner after Donnie, not answering, and then there's the loud scream of "get _away_ from me!"

There's a door slam— _probably Donnie_. Leo makes a noise of protest after that, and then he bangs once, twice, three times on the lab door. He stands, and he apparently waits, because the whole lair is silent for several minutes afterwards.

Donnie doesn't emerge. There's no click of an opening door, nor is there a discussion going on between the two. And within another minute, Leo sulks back off to the main room. Apparently giving up, he droops down onto a beanbag.

Raph and Mikey exchange looks. They're both seated on the faraway left side of their brother. Leo holds a pillow to his chest and sighs. And Mikey looks at a encouraging Raph before he scoots himself a little bit closer, toward Leo and the floor.

"What happened?" Mikey asks. It's always good to be direct with these kinds of things. "If you wanna tell us."

" _I am not desperate for attention_ ," he grumbles, arms crossed and clear scowl on his face. "Donnie's just— _just_ —"

"Uh, Leo?"

Leo tears his eyes away from the floor, and sees Raph and Mikey both staring at him.

He turns his full body, slower than ever before, to take a look at them. "What?"

"Why you two so worked up?" Raph tries this time.

"...We're not _worked up._ "

Raph snorts, not buying it, and mumbles a quick _yeah, okay_ under his breath.

"I'll go talk to Dee," Mikey says quietly, but he still stands up quick as can be. Leo's eyes widen, and in a flash he is standing up and grabbing his baby brother's wrist. "No, it's fine, it's fine. _Stay_."

" _Okaaaay..."_

Leo nods, and returns to his sulking on the beanbag. Pillow pressed up against chin, he sighs for what feels like the hundredth time in a span of three minutes.

 _This explanation's not gonna be good_ , but he's gotta tell them something, or god forbid they go to Donnie about it. Leo tries to keep his normally so nonchalant demeanor when he speaks, but ultimately falls short of that several times when he keeps throwing glances in the lab's direction. "Uh. Don's just mad because I broke some stuff, you know how I do."

"You broke stuff... _how much stuff?_ What, did you just followed him around breaking everything he grabbed or something?"

" _No, Raph._ I just destroyed random things."

"Sometimes I break stuff when I go with him," Mikey offers. "It's no big deal, Leo. A lot of the stuff there is broken to begin with. Donnie'll forgive you, don't worry about it."

Leo calms himself just enough to shoot a tiny, sympathetic smile at his younger brother—and Mikey grins back, a bit bigger and wider, just before scooting closer. Leo opens his mouth to respond, but Raph, still processing this whole thing through, speaks first.

"What exactly is it that you broke though? You break all kinds of stuff, that ain't new," Raph confirms, making a face. "Don should be used to it by now.."

"He's clearly not used to it, so." The blue masked ninja sinks further down, grumbling under his breath the whole time.

"He's not gonna want you to go back to the junkyard. Hope you know that."

Leo rolls his eyes, but he gazes back in the direction of the lab. Returning to the junkyard is the least of his problems. His brother doesn't even want to _talk_ to him.

He had good intentions, didn't he? He didn't make jokes about any of it—when their conversation started, Leo was so proud of that. He handled it in what he at least thought was a good way. He spent a lot of time thinking about it, hours longer than he's thought about most things. No, Leo really, truly _tried_. And yet—

Donnie is a bigger mess of emotions than he was when they started, and if anything Leo hopes that the one big, bright, beautiful breakthrough in this is that maybe just maybe Donnie will realize he actually feels things. Because he's clearly angry and willing to strangle Leo at any given second, and that's a feeling, whether Leo wants it to occur or not.

His brother can deny whatever he wants to, 'cause Leo _knows_. Nobody gives him credit for his brain, Leo is not the genius, nor does he always take things seriously. Leo is the one who hangs out and knows how to have a good time. But he's smarter than his family thinks, and he's made it this far in their lives, and he knows Donnie would love it if he backed off and shut up forever, but he shouldn't have to this time. This is a big deal, clearly. And Leo is far from oblivious when it comes to his brothers.

Mikey taps Leo's shoulder, and Leo lifts his still drooping head upwards. When he looks at his baby brother, he sees another tiny smile forming.

"Talk," Raph whisper-hisses from the other side of the room. And Mikey nudges him away and waves an arm dismissively before going back to Leo.

"Hey. Uh, we're... you and I aren't _mad at each other_ , or anything, right?" Mikey asks, big wide eyes focused and concentrated as he waits for Leo's reaction.

"Uhhhh, are _you_ mad at me?"

Mikey answers, confident and unnerved. "No."

Leo watches him for a moment or two, but Mikey keeps his focus, staring and sitting upright, and Leo eventually resigns himself to leaning back against the beanbag. " _Ughhhh, everybody is so weird lately._ "

"Yeah, everybody but you," Raph replies in what is clearly a sarcastic manner. He rolls his eyes, but smiles while he does so. And Leo doesn't even think about questioning _that_ comment this time.

Mikey's smiling harder now, overly elated even though Leo just got done telling them how angry their brother is. Mikey doesn't seem to have a care in the world when he wraps his arms around Leo's waist.

"I just wanted to make sure," Mikey confirms, not letting go. "You've been busy worrying about Donnie."

Leo doesn't quite know what to say to that, but he pats Mikey's shell a couple times. Finally he figures he should say _something_ so he says, "well... until Donnie's forgiven me for, uh," he mutters the next two words under his breath. " _breaking everything_. you probably don't have to worry about that."

"Dee will forgive you by tomorrow, no sweat. He's never _that mad_ about a few metallic casualties."

Leo meets Raph's eyes, who's nodding proudly. Patting Mikey's shell once again, Leo answers, "you're probably right."

* * *

Mikey is, of course, not right.

Leo realizes this almost immediately the next day, when he's knocking on Donnie's door and his brother refuses to come out and speak with him. Leo keeps that knowledge in his head throughout his every action, even when he finally does give him personal space. Even now, stuck in an intense game of ping pong with Mikey, Leo is still very much aware that Donnie is not speaking to him.

Mikey didn't— _doesn't—_ know the full story, so how could he really know how long Donnie would be mad? Regardless of that, Leo still hoped that somehow, someway, Donnie would have forgiven him within a few hours. That hope is crushed into teeny tiny pieces anytime he leaves the lab.

He rarely does, he's locked himself in there with entry only allowed to Mikey and Raph. And Splinter, of course, but the old rat has no interest in going inside. Leo is starting to really get sick of that place, _why does Donnie get to lock himself in his lab and ignore his problems constantly?_

Both Mikey and Raph have slipped in a couple times, and neither have came out screaming at Leo, so he figures Donnie can't be venting his heart out in there or anything.

"He's still angry at you I think," Mikey had said hours ago. "but he says he's way too busy working on stuff to focus on it."

Leo seriously doubts that, given the times where Donnie has exited his favorite room and upright _glared_ at Leo, sometimes even doing things just to spite him. When Leo had stood outside the lab door, narrating what his plans were for today—which included watching tv, Donnie had stormed out and deleted his recordings.

When Leo reached for milk at breakfast, Donnie took the entire jug and drank it himself. Despite the purpose being to tick him off, Leo is still somewhat impressed by that. Raph and Mikey, on the other hand, were rightfully horrified and _very_ confused.

Donnie retreated so fast and ignored every word Leo said to him, those brief moments of forced interaction really did not get them anywhere. Leo was hoping by upping the annoyance factor Donnie would come out and tell him to shut it. That plan only seems to backfire on Leo, and he's more than sick of it.

If his brother wants to act like that, fine by him, but Leo's not gonna sit around doing nothing.

Or maybe he is, just until the next time Donnie shows himself. He never really knows _what_ to do while he waits. Pacing didn't work. Standing by Donnie's door didn't work. Simply screaming Donnie's name was the worst of it all, he got more than an earful from their father who didn't want to hear it. There's nothing to do now to change things, so he distracts himself and plays ping pong with Mikey.

He probably should be spending more time with his younger brother anyway. Since apparently Mike got it in his head that they were mad at each other, Leo's gotta at least make a point to prove that wrong.

And truthfully, he _has_ been bailing on his younger sibling several times this week. It's not completely Mikey's fault he thought that, given how this whole thing started with Leo annoyed over Mikey's injury and need to return home. Throw in several semi-harsh comments and Leo being so distracted by Donnie, and you got yourself a self-conscious turtle.

Leo's trying not to be distracted by Donnie right now though. Trying to actually focus on spending time with his younger brother. This whole week he has been so preoccupied, and he knows he needs to try to step away. So, until Donnie chooses to leave the lab himself, Leo will do what Mikey wants for the time being.

Even if it means losing ping pong.

Leo dodges the stray ball, diving towards the edge of the table and lifting his racket up a little higher. The ball bounces off, smack dab onto the floor and Leo watches it roll around for a few good seconds.

Mikey watches it too. He comes up on Leo's right side, racket still in hand.

"You kind of suck today," Mikey comments. Leo grins like his defeat _doesn't even matter_.

"Eh, no problemo. You must've mastered ping pong or something."

Mikey squints suspiciously at his brother, curious eyes darting up and down like they're searching for secrets. "I don't think so," he says, while motioning to the many balls he lost. "I kind of suck too."

"Must just be an off day. That... happens. To people. Sometimes." Leo talks as though the very notion of an off day has never been put in his mind until now. Shaking that thought out of head, he smiles and declares, "let's do something else!"

"You don't normally have off days though.." Mikey mumbles, dragged off toward the skateboard ramps. He brightens a little upon seeing that and decides to put his comments to rest for at least a couple more minutes. He wouldn't have time to discuss anything anyway, Leo is already running forward.

Mikey grins when his older brother kicks his skateboard towards him. Mikey jumps up, landing on it perfectly and sliding forward. Leo hollers something and is already ahead, and Mikey kinda laughs.

He feels weird when Leo starts encouraging him to show off though, silently wondering what he's not being told.

* * *

Donnie peeks out of the lab late at night. Everyone is still up thanks to their nocturnal schedule—sleep during the day, stay up and live at night—but there's no noise alerting him that anyone, especially not _Leo,_ is nearby, so he slips out anyway.

His father is sprawled out in his armchair, sipping on milk and watching whatever late night rerun is on at this time. Donnie doesn't pay any attention to it. He shoots Splinter no more than a distant glance as he creeps by, footsteps silent. Ever the ninja in training, he has never been more grateful he knows the art of silence.

"Purple. I believe Red is looking for you."

He flinches on instinct. The purple-clad turtle mentally chides himself on his failed attempt to sneak by, and then even more so for flinching right afterwards. _Splinters not supposed to see him. No one is supposed to see him. He's supposed to be gone. Out of the lair. No problems whatsoever. Just for a while. Just until he can breathe again._

Donnie stands taller, hand clenched tight on his backpack strap. "O-Oh. Okay. I'll go find him."

He has no intentions to go find Raph, and although Splinter seems to realize this if his long, curious stare is anything to go by, he does not say anything.

Donnie finds Raph anyway.

He doesn't mean to, but Don bumps into his brother within 5 minutes of leaving the lab.

Raph starts by telling him how they should all probably be more on the lookout for oozesquitos, another celebrity just mutated after all, and ends with a flurry of questions about just what the heck Donnie is doing and where does he think he's going.

"I'm going to April's," Donnie answers, confidently. Holding the draw string backpack a little tighter, he avoids eye contact.

"Why are you going to April's?" Raph questions. All hope is lost, in Donnie's typically correct opinion.

"You know what—never mind. You are right, I have more than enough projects to occupy my time in the lab. I just, just, _thought_.. that we ran out of some wiring that April would likely possess. But it's fine. Heading back now, forget any mention of this conversation, I'll just—"

As he starts to walk away, Raph reaches out and grabs his wrist. " _Don_."

Only freezing for a couple of brief seconds, he tugs his hand out of Raph's grip immediately afterwards. "Yes, Raph?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he promises. "Obviously."

"Are you _sure_?"

"Yes, Raph. I believe I'm quite sure, thank you."

"So you and Leo are what? Fighting? Ignoring each other?" Raph holds back a comment about how Leo is clearly not doing that last part, especially if the way he screamed at the lab door was anything to go by. "Or are you guys good, 'cause everybody's sorta lost here."

Donnie shoots Raph a flattened look. Leo is many things, but a decent secret keeper he is not. _Probably rambled to everyone about everything the second they returned home. Couldn't act like everything's fine, had to make it sound like he was some brother helping hero._ Figures.

"Donnie," Raph presses.

Blinking a few times and trying to get out of his stupor, the genius speaks slowly,

"Leo and I are fine. There is simply no need for me to interact with him anymore."

"...Uh huh," Raph counters. "Donnie. He's your _little_ _brother._ "

Swallowing back harsh bites of _technically none of us are related_ , Donne instead answers with, "as is Miguel."

"And you're mad at Leo because... he broke some stuff at a junkyard?"

"What?" Donnie lowers his guard a smidge, suddenly frowning in confusion. "No. I... _he_... You know what? It does not matter. I'm going back to the lab."

"Leo said he's sorry, right?" Raph confirms, keeping the conversation going. "I heard him yelling it for hours. What did he even _break_? You're a genius, I'm sure it could be fixed. _We could help you fix it._ "

Donnie regains his composure, slowly but surely, and, leaning on his tech bo for support, answers simply, "it can't be fixed."

"How can it not be fixed?! You turned an old, abandoned movie prop into the turtle tank! You built motorcycles from scratch! I have never seen anything that's too broke for your standards, why is this any different—"

"— _because I said it is!_ " Donnie fires. "Does this affect you? At all? NO. If I wanted your input, I'd ask for it! But thank you so much for this _helpful_ conversation, really appreciate it."

Don starts to walk away again, back to the safety of his lab _where maybe this time Raphael won't be allowed in either_ , but his brother calls out his name again and, against his better judgement, he turns bitterlyaround just to see why he's wanted.

"Does April know you're going over there?" Raph asks, and Donnie's eyes grow wide.

"Yeah. Her, um. Her parents are out of town, so of course, she said it's fine if I stay for awhile."

Raph nods, gaze fixated on the stone ground. "You're gonna have to make up with Leo sometime."

Donnie really does not want to do that. He has no plans for that in the foreseeable future, but whatever makes Raph happy.

"...Yeah," is all he tells him. "Sometime."

"You're gonna miss out on bug catching if you stay there too long," Raph affirms in what is clearly another last ditch effort to get Donnie to stay. Donnie was willing to, but only because he thought it'd get him out of another tough conversation. Sneaking out again in another attempt to head off to April's would have occurred within the hour. "We're gonna go patrolling for Draxum's bugs soon 'nuff."

"That's fine," Donnie retorts. He holds off on informing Raph that he has several inventions just for that. It's fine. Raph knows that already. They have his inventions at the ready, they don't need him there.

"And this is all 'cause Leo broke something?" Raph repeats. This time he looks Don directly in the eyes, his own cautious as they scan his brother's face for any secret truths. "You want to stay with April 'cause Leo broke stuff?"

Donnie nods, and Raph sighs. Gaze darting away from the genius, he agrees, "Okay. Whatever, I guess I can't stop ya."

Donnie cannot help the huge that spreads on his face when he hears Raph's words.

He's not tempted to brag about his victories, like he usually would be when he's successfully gotten through on something. No, this time Donnie keeps his composure. He swallows down his inexplicable joy and he whispers stiffly, "thanks."

"Pops is gonna be wondering where you are, I'm gonna have to tell him."

Donnie brushes it off. "Dad loves April."

"Mikey and Leo are probably gonna want to drop by."

Donnie shoots Raph a serious look, and Raph backs off.

"Just... be alright, okay? All I'm asking. Tell April I said hey, too."

Donnie nods again, feeling like his whole body is on a entirely different level. The last thing he expected was for one of his brothers to accept his runaway. He expected a lot more fighting from Raph, a lot more demands, and a lot more attempts to make Leo and Don buddy buddy again. Raph did try, sure, but the whole thing worked out a lot better than Donnie ever thought it would.

Donnie hikes his backpack up a little higher; watches his brother who's watching him. "Thanks," he tells Raph with a curt nod. "I'll tell her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new york city was so insanely awesome and i ate so much pizza. the boys would be proud
> 
> hey! if you like this story (or literally anything else ive written for tmnt this year) and want to show even more love, maybe consider nominating it for the tmnt fanfic comp. you can find that [here](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdUjD2IAsRpw--mTEWMJXyXh6fCCoRwN_bvEwZxmXePjlWStQ/viewform). 2018 was the first time in a long while where i actually worked on tmnt fics and ive never been nominated before so, it would be cool.
> 
> love you all, ty for the sweet reviews <3 (holy crap i just checked and i use <3 a lot in these notes. oh well, it’s how i feel)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie's phone rings loudly throughout April's apartment, but neither she or Don pay it any mind. April's too focused on listening to her friend's words, as he pours out all kinds of problems and issues with his brother April never knew he had.

April O'Neil considers her life pretty blessed. She's got a family. She's got an amazing group of best friends, _who are also part of that family whether her parents know it or not_. She's not so good at the job thing, but what 16 year old really is? Her life is pretty sweet, all things considered. She gets to help battle evil mutated humans with the people she's closest to on a semi-daily basis. What other teenager can say that? And her parents, wow does she love them, but they work so hard and often have to leave for days on end. Maybe most kids would be upset about it, kids who _aren't_ the party throwers like the ones at school or, in April's case, the friend of secret mutant turtle ninjas. April is just thrilled her parent's occasional absence allows her best friends to come over without worry.

Raph, Donnie, Leo and Mikey stop by often at these times. They watch movies and play games and run through the city with no cares whatsoever. They laugh and they live so freely, everything is normally always so great.

She got the text from Donnie an hour after school. She was sitting in the subway when the soft-shell asked to come over. April began to text her causal _yeah course_ , but then he further clarified that he needed to know if he could stay for a while. Until her parents come back next week.

April was confused, but she still sent him the same response. Then, in an attempt to get more information, she asked if everything was okay. Donnie never responded, but he was waiting at her apartment 20 minutes before she got there. Unusually quiet and overly conscious, it was more than obvious that something had gone down.

So. Everything is not so great right now, not at all like it usually is. But April O'Neil has never been a quitter when it comes to _making things great_ , so she keeps trying. She's known something was up with the purple-clad turtle for awhile now, and she really did think he'd talk about it when he was ready. He's her _best friend_ , and yet, for the full 40 minutes they'd been in her apartment, he has failed to mention why he left the lair.

"—poptarts. We've got poptarts," April announces suddenly. Her hand is on the pantry door when she examines the food supply. There's not much, her parents left cash if she decides to order in. "We also have fifty bucks if you want to order pizza. But when the fifties down, we basically gotta live off junk."

"The poptarts fine." Donnie says, long arms wrapped around knees as he sits on the sofa. He's not hungry, he told April that, but the human girl had insisted he needs to eat anyway. Said he probably didn't eat back home, and she's not gonna play that here, _so eat something Dee or so help me I'll force feed you and neither of us want that._

She's not wrong about the not eating at home thing, but Donnie won't give her the satisfaction of being right.

April strolls back to the couch, two packs of poptarts in her hands. She gives one to Donnie, waits for him to take a bite, and then plops down beside him, opens hers up and digs in herself. They eat in relative silence for a few minutes before April tries to start up a conversation. "You okay?"

"You realize you've asked me that before, right?"

She smiles a little, urging him forward. But Donatello doesn't continue like she thought— _hoped_ —he would, he simply says, "I'm good, perfectly alright. Sometimes the lair gets old."

" _Old_ , how?"

April eyes him, waiting for him to change statements with such a shocking twist of _never mind_ _I'm not actually alright._ But he doesn't. Donnie never does with things like that, she's come to realize. April tries another tactic.

"Mikey once told me you lick the icing off poptarts and put them back in the box. I hope you know you're not doing that here!"

Donnie's eyes grow wide and face turns an embarrassed shade of red, making April O'Neil automatically snicker. And then he quickly defends, "Wha—I don't— _Mikey's a liar!_ "

"Is he though?" April asks, giggling along.

"Yes! He is!"

April keeps laughing. She laughs for a full thirty seconds, until she sees Donnie _pout,_ arms crossed and everything, and just like that she stops.

She leans over and closes the space between them, nudging up against her friend's side. Donnie grumbles something inaudible under his breath, but he nudges back after a little while longer of faking annoyance.

"Hey," April bites her lip, but holds her fist up. "C'mon. Dorky pals for life club?"

Donnie looks at her hand for a couple seconds. Then, he lifts his own and bumps them together. "Dorky pals for life club."

"Good," April nods in satisfaction. "Now tell your bestie what happened."

"What? What are you even implyin—"

"Don. You don't honestly expect me to believe you're just _bored_ of your brothers, right? I've seen the obvious tension. I'm not gonna judge if one of you did something stupid and got you worked up." She gives him a very serious look, practically vibrating with _don't deny it._

Donnie won't look at her, _refuses_ to look at her. He doesn't want to talk about this, not with Leo, not with April, not with _anyone_. He just wants to sit here. He wanted an escape from his brothers, _and April is his best friend_. She's always claimed he can come to her when he needs to, whether that be to sit in silence or have a real, functioning conversation. Even if he needs someone punched in the face for messing with him, April would be there she told him.

Why can't they just sit in silence? So many of his problems would be solved if people just sat in silence. _If_ Leo _could learn to be silent, well then..._

" _Donnie_ ," April plucks him away from his thoughts, her voice sharp and serious. She repeats his name a second time when he looks at her, only so much more gently. Like he's so fragile, like he's gonna break at any given second, _he's_ not _, he's not,_ and she carefully places an arm on his shoulder. "Hey... relax, it's me."

"I'm fine," Donnie assures once again, moving his whole body over and therefore knocking her attempt of comfort off. "It's fine."

April does not seem so convinced, but that's fine too. Because then Donnie's phone starts vibrating and doesn't stop as one text comes after the other, and he gets to pause whatever this conversation is to check it out.

 

**washed up skateboarder:**

_DID U LEAVE_

_RAPH JUST SAID U LEFT_

_DONNIE_

 

**washed up skateboarder:**

_You don't want to Leave you just want us to fight I get it. Come back now_

 

**washed up skateboarder:**

_Donnie seriously._ _April's parents are gonna come back eventually you can't LIVE THERE_

 

April peers over his shoulder, so he quickly pulls the phone out of sight and stuffs it back into the pocket of his backpack. "Was that Leo—"

"No," Donnie insists very quickly. "That wasn't- It was a wrong number."

April shoots him a weird look, but Donnie doesn't even care. He just sits there, arms crossed once again.

"Dee..."

"I don't want to talk about this, okay? _Good god, can everyone just learn to accept that!"_

April watches him. Donnie's so freakin' sick of the _watching_. Everyone just loves to stare at him, silently judging, silently thinking he's an idiot who can't do softness or regular emotions like everyone else. Once again, he's being stared at and probably judged, because they all think he's insane, they think he's lost it, they think— "Leo's an asshole. A self entitled asshole who only cares about himself."

April doesn't say anything to that, but she does scoot closer and wrap an arm around his shoulders. Donnie doesn't move away this time. He leans against her and tries to control his now suddenly shaky breathing.

* * *

"How could you _let_ him  _leave_?!" Leo demands, fingers tapping away on the screen of his phone. Mikey has his out too, but he's just staring at Donatello's contact with clear confusion and sadness in his eyes. "How could you _do that_?!"

"He's just going to April's," Raph mutters. "April would call if something was wrong."

"Would she? Would she really?"

"Yes," Raph rebukes, sternly. "She would."

Leo makes a noise at that, clearly not buying it for a second as he fires text after text at his brother. _His brother who doesn't have the courtesy to respond to a single one, his brother who is willingly to go so far not to talk to him that he'd be willing to run away!_

"Why's this such a big deal to you?" Raph questions suddenly. "Why's this whole thing such a big deal to Don?"

Raph's got his suspicions already, 'cause none of this makes sense anymore. Leo is a klutz a lot of the time. There's been countless inventions he's shattered, but Donnie's anger has always worn off after an hour or two. Raph doesn't know the specific details of it all, but _this_ combined with how Donnie's been acting for weeks just isn't settling right anymore.

"It's not a big deal to me! But YOU SAID and I quote," Leo momentarily pauses from his texting to imitate Raphael _. "Donnie's not supposed to be topside alone unless necessary!_ " Leo slams his phone down on the counter as he turns towards his brother. " _YOU REMEMBER THAT, RIGHT RAPH?"_

Raph pushes Leo away, not hard enough to cause injury but just enough to give the snapping turtle some much needed personal space while his brother huffs and puffs in very visible frustration. "I remember. This is different though. This is the necessary. I ain't gotta explain everything to you, but he's allowed to go to April's. Pops said it was okay."

"He could've at least said _bye_ _Leo_ first!" Leo hisses. He sends another string of texts the minute he picks his phone back up, but still he gets no response. "Ugh—this is just- _terrible!_ "

"He'll be back within a couple days, and I'm sure by then you and him'll be fine." Raph eyes a sinking Mikey, who's leaning against the wall and worrying Raph even more when he slides down onto the ground with his gaze still locked on his cellphone. Raph can't say anything about it now though, not when he has a grumpy blue banded brother to deal with. "Personal space can be a good thing and clearly you two need it."

"You said going topside solo was not a good idea, but you just _had_ to force him to leave, didn't you?" insinuates Leo.

"Hey! _I_ didn't make him leave! He would've gone whether I said it was okay to or not, _this is Donnie!_ He left before and I didn't say that was cool!"

"And now he's who knows where! Too blindsided by his anger to think properly and realize he needs to stay here and make things up with _me_!"

"Donnie is at April's," Raph repeats, voice firm. "This isn't all about you, Leo. Clearly. You and Don'll be fine. Not if you keep acting like this, though."

"Acting like _what_ , Raph? Acting like a worried brother- because that's right, I am! _And so is Mikey!_ " His gaze darts toward the youngest, just so he'd acknowledge his effort to include him. Mikey's still busy being silent, so Leo's attention goes back to the growing argument. "Try it out sometime, Raphael!"

Raph barks back, "I try it out plenty."

Leo _laughs_. Arms thrown up in the air, he soon afterwards scoffs. It's clear to Raph that he doesn't believe that.

"—Why's this matter so much?" Raph repeats. "Donnie's been topside on his own before any of this, and you never got like this. He obviously needed a break from whatever," he motions at an overreacting Leo. " _this_ is. And hey, you've been up on your own too before. Or did you forget about that stunt you pulled in that restaurant?"

"OH- _OH_ _that's gold_. That was DAYS AGO, RAPH! Get over it!"

"I am over it! But now you're acting just as crazy and clearly I gotta rethink a few things.."

"You don't need to 'rethink things.' What? Are you just too afraid to admit you screwed up and made Donnie leave?"

"I didn't— _for the millionth time, I didn't_ make _Donnie leave!_ Leo, what happened with you two?"

"NOTHING happened! I was just waiting patiently for him to leave the lab when I was informed that he's not even here anymore! What is up with that!"

"Leo..."

"Stoping Leoing me!"

" _Leo is your name!_ "

Leo glares, eyes piercing into Raph's while his older brother stands in front of him. Still and silent, until he finally repeats the question he's been wanting to know, "what is actually going on here?"

"Nothing but me finding out my brother LEFT! Come on Mikey, we have better things to do than be questioned like this!"

Leo starts to walk away, back to the game room with the hopes of distracting himself with _literally anything_ that's there again. They can go back to how it was yesterday, playing games and not acknowledging the elephant in the room. Just him and Mikey, the only two with apparent morals.

Mikey does not follow him.

Leo notices this almost immediately, and spins around on the tips of his feet to motion him forward again. But Mikey is sitting on the ground, Raph crouched right beside him now. By the time Mikey meets Leo's gaze, Leo has already figured out he's not coming. "Mikey?"

"I think- I think you should tell us what happened," His brother says, quietly. Michelangelo looks at Leonardo with a careful expression, like he's debating how to discuss this. "I'm just.. really worried about Donnie. And you! What's actually going on?"

Leo turns back around and runs for the game room.

* * *

"Why won't you say what actually happened? Is it bad? Is it really, _really_ bad? Are we all in danger if you tell us? Is the _world_ in danger if you tell us? Honestly, what is going on, I don't understand."

Raph sends Mikey a look, as does Leo but the latter's only lasts a couple seconds before he goes back to his game. Raph speaks up next, "It better not be 'cause the world is in danger, Leo."

Leo doesn't answer, so Raph starts poking at his shoulder.

"I told you guys what happened, I don't know what else you want from me," He finally mumbles, trying with every bit of effort he has not to focus in on his brothers. He turns the steering wheel to the left and makes his video game car pick up a bunch of bonus points. "He's mad at me because I broke _a bunch of stuff_. Shoo now."

"Donnie's actually mad at _you_ , for breaking things in a junkyard?" Mikey asks, but not unkindly. The tones questionable enough though, Leo knows it is but only to the point where he can't get mad. Leo wants to, but right now he's over the anger portion. He feels drained. He doesn't exactly know how he's _supposed_ to feel, but he just wants to be left alone. _How is one supposed to feel when their slightly older twin brother bails because you tried to have a heart to heart, leaving you with your other two brothers who want to know absolutely everything_? He's never actually heard of anyone else having this problem, but then again, most of their problems aren't typically considered normal, anyway.

He lets go of the wheel, his race car slamming directly into the trunk of a tree. And just like that, Leo stands. "Yup, we done here now?"

"Nope." Raph cracks his oversized knuckles, eyeing Mikey who's shrugging, but nodding. Leo wants to question that, doesn't get the chance when his big brother scoops him up into his oversized arms. "Hey- _hey!_ "

"We're not done 'case you haven't noticed."

"And walking away is _rude_." Mikey sticks out his tongue, and giggles a little when Raph grins.

They drop him onto the couch. And Leo's so fast, he tries to get up instantly, but they crowd him on both sides and keep him stuck to the mat. Leo can only wiggle around for so long before it's pointless, and he's stuck there in between his older brother, who's tried to talk to him about this since day one, and his younger brother, who looks up to him and who he apparently hurt the feelings of on more than one occasion.

_Great, just great. Exactly what he needs._

"Talk to us, Leo," Raph orders. "Why'd Don actually want to leave, since you're so bothered by it. And why are you two trying to rip each others throats out, more so then usual."

Leo rolls his eyes, feeling more snarky than ever. "You probably _made_ him leave, ole Raphael."

"I didn't. And it bothers me that you think I'm behind your whole fight."

Leo blows a puff of air out of his mouth, no clue how to respond and not willing to admit he feels slightly bad about those type of comments. He just sits there, a little lower and a bit sadder than he was before _,_ when Mikey starts giving the next part of the interrogation.

"Donnie has been acting.. _different_ for awhile now," He says, slowly. "Does what's going on now have anything to do with that?"

Leo doesn't want to answer, knows Don is already probably planning his murder as they speak. Still he replies in a small voice, "kinda."

"Kinda doesn't count," Mikey singsongs. "You have to say yes or no and why."

Leo really doesn't want to be sitting here anymore.

It's fifteen minutes in now, and dodging questions and hard answers is not as fun as one would expect. It's basically been the world's most frustrating game of 20 questions, except the questions never end, and now it's just Leo sitting there, trying not to rant about everything.

There's a lot to rant about, anyway. From the moment Donnie disappeared and Leo saw those articles on his phone, to the constant struggle of trying to get him to talk to him, and then finally Leo's own brilliant idea to go to the junkyard where all did _not_ go according to plan. In an ideal world, they'd be sitting here talking about _Donnie's_ problems. But no, they're sitting here trying to get information out of Leo and he's stuck putting up with it.

And it's not like Leo can give them what they want. It's Donnie's own issues Leo has to keep secret for his brother's sake. Which makes no sense whatsoever, Leo knows, but also it means something to Donnie who clearly wants no one to know anything that goes on in his head.

It's another great reason Leo wishes they all had the power of telepathy, because _this_ would never happen. If someone was sad, they'd all be there to offer comfort. If someone was happy, they'd all celebrate. If telepathy came with the mutation, Leo's world would be great.

"We won't snitch if you don't want us to snitch," Mikey promises, somehow knowingly, but regardless that promise doesn't make any part of this easier.

"Unless it's something that we all need to talk about," Raph adds, but Mikey sends him a look, so he quickly elaborates. "Probably won't be though."

"Most likely won't be." Mikey confirms, swaying side to side beside Leo. "But we _are_ really worried about you and Donnie."

Leo rubs his face with his only free hand. Sighing and being much more dramatic than necessary, he hopes that'll let him free. It doesn't, and he's at a loss on what to do. They all suck at planning, Leo sucks at it a lot of the time— _they all just don't do it_ _most days_. And although this sitting here squishing Leo operation isn't the most thought out, it's something to show that they really, truly are worried and really do care about what's going on.

He never questioned that they did, but he saw the way Don reacted when just Leo knew. If Raph and Mikey knew, he'd undoubtedly think he was gossiping like normal, and it would be an even bigger mess.

But also... Leo does not want to be here. He wants to be left alone to his own devices, so he can call his brother or April or even just try and think about something else for a while.

"Just.. _ugh_. Don't be worried about me. It's Donnie that's... I don't even know," he says, hoping it's enough.

Raph frowns and looks at Leo patiently. Clearly waiting for his brother to continue, he doesn't say anything.

Mikey's quiet too. It's very apparent that they both want him to elaborate despite Leo just wanting this to be over.

"Donnie's just... worried about some things. You know how he gets."

"What's he worried about?" Mikey pries.

While averting his gaze to anywhere but them, it takes Leo a minute to force out in a low mumble, "y'know, _stuff_."

"Yeaaaaah, okay. But what kind of stuff exactly?"

Leo winces and positions himself inward the best he can with his brothers' weight on him. "The kind of stuff he'd kill me to talk about, so i think we're done here guys."

Raph confirms, "Donnie said not to say anything?"

Leo's face contorts in a mixture of guilt and grievance. "Not _exactly_."

"Then why can't you say anything?"

Leo wants to facepalm, but it's too difficult in this position so he settles for a loud sigh. "How about we call him up and _you_ ask _him_ what's going on? Wouldn't that make more sense than trapping me here!"

"I don't mind asking Donnie," Mikey confirms, bravely. "But I think it'd be better if we actually knew what we were asking him."

"'Sides.. pretty clear he's not up for talking," Raph adds, with a nod.

"Well then, I'll do you both a favor and call him myself! Somebody grab my phone."

* * *

Donnie's phone rings loudly throughout April's apartment, but neither she or Don pay it any mind. April's too focused on listening to her friend's words, as he pours out all kinds of problems and issues with his brother April never knew he had.

"—it's not even like he thinks of the other person's point of view! He just has to be right about ALL THINGS!" Donnie exclaims through brisk paces back and forth. April follows his march closely, right behind him when he walks angry circles around the inside of her apartment. "It's like the world revolves around Leo and who cares about anyone else!"

April hums something that's not necessarily agreement, but hopefully conveys the message that she's listening. She _is_ listening, for the forty five minutes they've been marching around her apartment with Donnie ranting. Even if she doesn't always agree, _she listens_. It's clearly what her friend needs right now, so she makes sure she hears every single word about his brother. The good and the bad.

"IT'S THE LEO SHOW! The whole world is basically the Leo show! Did you know that one time when we were four he locked me in our room so he could hang out with dad by himself? Raph and Mikey were busy, so he seized his opportunity!"

April raises a curious brow. "You remember this?"

"No, dad told me. But it's still just a _perfect_ example of the lengths he'd go to for attention!"

Donnie's cellphone launches into another round of rings, and, before April knows what's going on, the cellphone is thrown.

The phone slams against the wall, and she almost winces as it makes impact. Fortunately no damage is done to her parent's decor, but she does cringe as the phone is effectively silenced.

"—He just—He just- _thinks_ he's the world's greatest hero! God forbid anyone else have a handle on something, because _here comes Leonardo ready to save the day and brag about it after!_ "

"That's... I don't know how I'm supposed to reply here, hon."

* * *

"Anddddd he's not answering," Leo announces, fumbling around with the cellphone buttons. " _You have got to be kidding me!_ "

Raph and Mikey exchange looks, before they slouch down to be at the relatively same position as their brother.

"It's _fine_ , Leo. Donnie's probably busy," Mikey offers, and Leo lets out a long, exasperated groan.

Raph replies, "Is there some kinda emergency or something you think is gonna go down? Because if not, I ain't seeing the big deal here.. you haven't told us if there's a big deal, and I feel like Don's not gonna be the one to want to talk about it. Whether he calls back or not."

Leo grumbles and groans under his breath, but then let's out a loud sigh.

"There's... not. A _emergency_. Donnie is just... Donnie."

"Donnie is just Donnie?" Raph repeats, while Mikey's face crinkles into a confused but amused grin. Raph's own does too, and if Leo could freely move maybe he'd smack them both on the arm. He's still stuck between his brothers, but his captivity, however, _is_ loosening up, with Mikey twisting more and more toward his side.

Maybe it's his only shot at an opportunity for escape, at least until his brothers get bored, so Leo squirms around, hoping for freedom.

Mikey makes a shocked sound of protest, grabbing Leo's arms, but Raph surrenders and lets go.

"Okay, tell ya what?" The bigger turtle starts to suggest, gaining their attention as Leo stands and debates whether or not to _run_. "Clearly you don't want to talk about this—"

"—oh yeah, _you think_ —"

"—so how bout we go do something else?"

Leo lifts his head up, eyes searching and suspicious. He straightens his stance before eyeing the couch, the space he once occupied. "I'm not playing truth or dare. And I'm _not_ being stuck on the couch again, you're lucky I didn't bite—"

"No, no. I was thinking something fun."

" _Pretty sure you thought interrogating me was fun_."

Raph shoots Leo a serious look. "Something actually fun. Or, y'know, at least more productive."

They got things to do anyway, responsibilities to take care of. They've got a crazy person mutating humans with his army of bugs. There's a lot to do that's technically more productive than this, but Raph doesn't care about that advantage at all. No, it's something to get his brother's mind off this whole discussion, least for a little, before he'll eventually try getting him to talk about it again.

Leo fumbles around with his gear, but agrees. He acts like he's not interested, Raph knows he is—Mikey even more so, but he urges them both to get ready anyway, because the night is young and they've got a city to protect after all.

Leo obeys very suspiciously, and goes to get what's needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> true story, when i was little i locked my cousin in my grandma’s bedroom because i was jealous of all the attention she was getting.
> 
> this chapter was originally going to be two chapters, but i thought it fit better like this. it is now the longest chapter of this fic, so that’s pretty cool! only problem is now im behind on next week’s


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April nods, scoots closer, and wraps an arm around his shoulder. And Donnie will never admit it, but that arm makes the remaining nerves settle.

Donnie and April wake with the tv still on, snack wrappers piled all around them, and surrounded in blankets that Donnie doesn't remember being there.

April creeps through the mess almost silently, like she's the real ninja in this friendship, and reaches for the remote to shut off the science discovery channel. Donnie hadn't even realized it was still on, several hours of marathoning it the night before so far from his mind.

"Hey," April says, and it's the very first thing spoken all morning. April is still in her pajamas, with hair undone and a blanket hanging loosely around her shoulders. She has a small smile on her face when she nudges Donnie with her foot. "How ya' feeling?"

How _is_ he feeling? Donnie doesn't completely know- he's got a headache though, that he's sure about. And his shoulders ache from the overuse of the battleshell, forgetting to take it off overnight will do that to him, he's realized. The whole night is fuzzy in a way his mind rarely ever allows, with parts here and there somewhat of a distant blur. Some of the more prominent memories return to the forefront of his mind after a couple seconds of consideration, however, and they soon beg to be examined and thought about.

He doesn't know how long he spent with his head on April's shoulder, trying to _breathe_ , before those feelings morphed into something much harder and colder. He spent hours ranting about his brother, with April right beside him. He hadn't really paid attention to her when he was doing it, too busy spewing off hateful remarks about Leonardo, but he knew she was matching his quick pace the whole time and hearing him. He knew she was there, listening to his every demonic word, and that there is a good chance April O'Neil, his only human friend, probably thinks he's a nut job, a possibility made even more likely considering she still doesn't know what his fight was about, just that _Donnie is pissed_.

But April is still sitting next to him now, regardless of it all, and she's smiling in that certain way she always does in these tight situations. She's waiting for his answer with unmatchable patience, and that thought quickly reminds Donnie _he still hasn't answered_.

So, he swallows the dry lump in his throat and replies honestly (because it _is_ the truth, whether he loves it or not, he knows the pit in his stomach has settled into something much more tame). "I'm feeling better," he says, though his voice is sore and thick.

April nods, scoots closer, and wraps an arm around his shoulder. And Donnie will never admit it, but that arm makes the remaining nerves settle.

"That's good," she tells him. "I knew venting your heart out would be the first step." She nudges his shoulder with her fist, proud look of accomplishment on her face, with no regard whatsoever for Donnie's impending concerned statement.

"...kinda sounds like you're implying _another_ —"

"You and Leo gotta talk to each other. _Not now_ ," she exclaims, second she sees the look of horror on the genius's face. "But eventually. And that's not even the second step, that's, like, the _third_ towards feeling better."

"I'm perfectly fine now," Donnie grumbles, pulling himself up to his feet as soon as he can. "That's excessive, and I've been told I know excessive. You can forget about what I said yesterday, anyhow. _Leo_ is just- the same old, annoying nuisance he's always been."

"Do you want to talk about what he did?"

"Is that supposed to be your ridiculous second step?"

April sends him a sly smile. "Maybeeee.."

"Then no. No, I am good."

April keeps her grin when she nudges him in the direction of the kitchen. "Let's get something to eat then, c'mon. I'm starved." Before he can hint at something, or god forbid, not even bring it up at all, April announces, smooth as ever, " _I promise I have coffee."_

Donnie lets himself copy her smile now, and she pulls him forward.

* * *

"it's been a weird month. With all the bugs zipping around everywhere, and _you_ and Leo and your whole—I dunno, I think everyone's out of sorts, it's not just you guys."

Donnie scowls, loud enough so she'll know he disagrees. He's got his head pressed against the nice cool countertop of April and her parent's kitchen while his best friend scrolls through her phone, eats her cereal, and tries to reason with him.

 _Ha_. Donatello cannot be reasoned with, not when he knows what's going on and has no plans to change it in the foreseeable future; not when he knows what is likely happening at his own home, with his blue banded brother being the idiotic, gloating fool that he occasionally likes to be. Donnie has thought through this whole thing twenty-seven times just in the past hour, and there is no situation that doesn't have Leo explaining what a _freak_ Donnie is to everyone else, and probably rubbing in his own good natured heart just for show.

Still, he can't help but to visibly cringe at that harsh wording, because it's something that's plagued his mind since he was small. Since he realized just how different he, his brothers and father are from the rest of society. From the first time they saw a human to the last time Donnie watched a monster horror movie, Donnie could never help but to hate the limitations he would forever have. Last he needs is another reminder of just how different he is from the outside world. _How he can't function like everyone else. That he's terrible when it comes to feelings, and is not the least bit soft despite his soft-shell,_ and all he wanted to do was get better at tough conversations in a reasonable not _freakish_ way and yet somehow he's _here_ and it's all turned into _this_ and now he's _so dang furious at his brother._

April is patting his arm when he looks back up from the crook of his elbow, her cellphone abandoned and lying face down on the counter away from them both.

"I need an aspirin," Donnie declares suddenly, before going to get just that. April pulls herself up onto the countertop when he returns.

"Hey, all's gonna be fine, alright? I promise."

Promises are nearly always unhelpful, especially in these moments of unpredictability, but April doesn't deserve his hardened sarcasm.

So, Donnie forces a smiles and replies in an overly thrilled voice, "all already is fine. I am just not on speaking terms with a certain brother."

April purses her lips; chooses her words carefully.

"I know Leo's been... _bothering_ you, but maybe it's not as bad as you think? Dee, whatever happened, I'm sure he didn't mean for it to turn into this. Maybe it's just 'cause he cares?"

"Ha," Donnie remarks, out loud now. "Leo cares about no one, but himself. Next suggestion."

April puts down the spoon she's holding, eyes narrowed when she scoots over to be directly in front of him. Because she _knows_ this and knows life has been really real lately, and whatever they're fighting about probably has nothing on that. "Hey. You know that's not true."

"I know Leo is Leo, and he has the mental capacity to care about very few things."

" _Donnie_." April keeps her voice firm, solid, and standing when she crosses her arms. "'S'not cool. You might be pissed at him, but you don't get to talk like that. He does care."

Donnie makes a noise of disbelief, but leaves it at that, and when he goes back to resting his head on his arms and looking _miserable_ , April swings down from the counter to stand up straight.

"Listen," she says. "When you went AWOL a few days ago, he was so freaked, i honestly thought he was gonna snap. He kinda did, actually, _Raph sure thought so_ —"

"—April, _April_ , please," Donnie fires back, smooth and dramatic in a different way than normal. "I have heard all about their fight, I know Raph and Leo have a-" He brings out the air quotes. " _difference of opinion_ on my short absence. They can fight about whatever they want, my curiosity is now dead."

"Um, your curiosity is so not dead," April retorts, completely convinced. "I'm just saying Leo _cares_."

She doesn't get to say more than that, because her home phone rings.

Donnie won't admit he's grateful, but if the look April gives him is any indication, it still doesn't mean they're done with this conversation. More discussing his brother awaits, which is the exact opposite of what he'd been wanting.

April's voice returns to a overjoyed octave the second she realizes the caller is her dad. And for a couple brief seconds, Donnie wishes he had _his_ phone to be able to communicate with his father and brothers. Just to check in once or twice while he stays here, so he can be assured some life ending trip will not be greeting them in his absence.

But nope, that genius device is now sprinkled with cracks and shattered tech at the bottom of his bag.

Donnie only listens to April's phone call for a second or two, before he goes back to what April calls brooding. It is _not_ brooding, or pouting, or anything else in between.

He's just sitting here, thinking, but also trying _not_ to think about Leo. Because he really doesn't want to get all worked up again and fight with April over this, especially when she's being this perfect example of friendship and he's just mad at the world.

 _He had wanted to just sit and drink his coffee, dang it_. This is another one of those glorious times where Donnie wouldn't mind being alone in silence for hours on end.

Just silence, and regret about more things than he can put together right now. And, of course, the cellphone that he destroyed. Not only would it be good to be knowledgeable about the possible end of the world in the lair, but it would help to research ways to handle the doom that is his life again, obviously...

 _Who cares who cares who care_ s

He cares.

 _But Leo_.

He can't go back to the lair until this thing has passed, and he definitely cannot face Leo- quite possibly ever again.

"Dee," April sits back down beside him, words gentle like she knows he's thinking something through. "You good?"

His positive demeanor cracks, a little.

"...yeah. Yeah, I'm good," he answers, though even he's not sure how true that is. A part of him does feel it, he's okay after all, he hasn't completely lost it- _he hasn't no matter what he sometimes tends to think_ , but there's another part that's like a ticking time bomb, about to erupt and ruin everything yet again. "How's your dad?"

April gives him a look, before brightening at the mention of her father. She tells him all about his trip to Canada and how he claims things really are better there.

Donnie can believe it.

* * *

He gets started on fixing his phone at 1:52pm, while April's in the shower.

At 2:28pm, April gets out and her mouth drops open immediately upon seeing the mess of parts.

"Oh, god," she says, heart hovering over the fluttering stages of panic. "Please tell me you didn't dismantle the TV."

Donnie grins and he motions to the perfectly intact television set. " _Please_. Your television is not nearly advanced enough to have what resources I needed."

"That... doesn't make me feel better."

Despite the tone, she sits down beside him, eyes clearly curious. "...What're you working on?"

"Fixing the phone. There is _a chance_ that throwing it against the wall last night was not the most effective solution."

She smirks. "Yeah, no kiddin'." April shifts her head onto his shoulder, letting their conversation lap into comfortable silence for a while so she can watch. "Do you just bring these supplies everywhere with you?"

" _Someone_ has to be prepared for the worst case scenario at all times."

April grins and tells him honestly, "that's really cool, Dee. I knew you brought along tech to everything, but to be able to fix your whole phone and get it working again here? I know who I'm coming to if I ever break mine."

Donnie swaps out the microprocessor with something a little more stable. He holds it into place, formatting the other parts around it. "Thanks, April." He speaks honestly, too.

3:40pm and they're done. April holds out the bag of scrapped parts and Donnie dumps them in there. They fist bump without even thinking to before April swings the bag into the trash. Then, she crawls over to see the handiwork.

The phone lights up the second it's supposed to and April cheers in delight. She already knew it would, Don has built far more impressive things than this, however there's no denying this fix it opportunity as a good thing.

A stream of texts come in then, all from Raph and Mikey. Donnie can't help but notice there are none from Leo, but refuses to let himself focus on it.

He slides his thumb across the screen, clicking on Mikey's messages first. His baby brother sent him a selfie in front of the lab, lamely captioning it with _you could be here, but you playing_ , which, if anything, gets an eye roll out of the genius. Along with a handful of other texts, there's clearly a lot that indicates, at least from Mikey, that Donnie was missed.

Donnie can't help but smile at the inclusiveness he's received, and he quickly shoots back several replies.

He goes to Raph's and gets a couple messages checking in, about how he spoke with Splinter and he seems cool with his absence _so long as you realize you're coming back don_ , about how he hopes all's good. _We went oozesquito hunting last night, you and April missed out_ , Raph reminds him, before adding in a quick comment about how they'll probably go again tonight.

Donnie rolls his eyes, but thumbs back a probably even quicker response about how him and April are busy. They _are_ busy tonight. April mentioned pizza and asked for help on homework, and Donnie, sure as anything, isn't going to miss helping with actual human school homework again.

Raph and Mikey are likely asleep now, Donnie's pressing on opposite of their schedule. They won't even see his replies for a few more hours, but something about the communication makes him feel good.

_Oh sweet sweet phone, never leave again._

He has the world at his fingertips once again, and although Donnie wasn't able to use the newest equipment still stored away in his lab, the phone works pretty well. And thankfully so, because when he scrolls through the glorious world of the Internet, he feels so much calmer.

"What'd everybody have to say?" April asks. Donnie looks up and she's now at the kitchen, juggling her own cellphone against her ear—likely for the pizza call. She smiles and Donnie smiles back.

"Oh, nothing big. Just updates about what they've been doing," he replies easily.

April nods and places the order. And when they move to her room to go work on homework, Donnie puts the phone away.

* * *

"Okay, okay so. _Chemistry_."

"One of the best subjects."

"More like one of the _worst_. Which is why we gotta ace this so I can get my C up to a B. Mmkay?"

"Honestly April, do you really think I'd let you get by with something as average as a _C_?"

April grins, holding back another hint of laughter. "You're such a dork," she concludes fondly.

They take ten minutes of discussing whether or not chemistry is a good thing before finally getting starting on the actual homework part of it. 50 questions that had piled in on April's back, but she's no longer worried. Not with the know-it-all she happens to be friends with. "What is the chemical name for HCH3 CO2?"

"Acetic acid."

"How many valence electrons does chromium have?"

"Six."

"Who first proposed the atomic theory?"

"John Daltan."

April clicks her tongue, clearly impressed. She writes down the answers one by one, before she fires the next question at him. "Okay. Is CH4 a covalent bond?"

"Uhhh, _obviously_ it is."

"Obviously? _Obviously?_ " April shoots back, throwing her arms up in the air. " _How's that obvious?_ "

They work like this for hours.

By the time moonlight's streaming through April's window and they've moved onto web programming, something Donnie claims he's much happier with (though April doesn't get _how_ when he's mentally grades ahead of her in all subjects), the pizza's delivered and they're sitting back chiding one another on their logic.

"—I can't just use whatever program I want, the teacher has to decide—"

"—okay, fine, respecting your teacher is important, I get that, but _why_ would he want you to use a program that lags and has been destroyed by viruses countless times _April, it makes no sense._ "

April has to keep herself from giggling and only jokingly replying, "take it up with the school board, baby."

At some point in the night, Mikey sends Donnie a picture of a pizza they're eating only for Donnie to snap back a pic of April posing with their own pizza box.

Mikey's mind is blown by that and it entertains them all until the computer program finally loads and they can get back to work on the last set of April's homework.

And when they finally finish, they go back to talking. Spur of the moment thoughts to things intensely calculated, the conversation switches back and forth. They sit side by side against the wall, finishing up the remaining dinner, and Donnie doesn't even think about his brothers and the fight that unfolded with Leo during the full hour that they're talking.

 _Until_..

"So I figured, probably not our best bet to sleep on the floor again, I've got a whole ton of sleeping bags if you want 'em, and i can get out the spare mattr—"

April stops what she's saying in the middle of it, with eyes glued to her phone screen, and immediately Donnie's attention is focused on what might have gone wrong.

"Uh, April?" He starts to ask, sliding a little more over to see what she's seeing.

"Shit," April mutters, tugging her gaze away from her phone. She lifts it up to her friend's face, so he can see. "Raph texted."

"Oh?" Donnie asks, confused as to why that's a problem. Yeah, he's not really up for focusing on family drama with anyone for too long, _doesn't even want to think about a certain brother of his_ , but Raph... is not that brother. Raph hasn't done anything wrong to warrant April's negative tone. Donnie can't even detect why him texting could be a problem.

He squints at the phone screen, reading the jumble of texts. Then his face contorts in a worse type of way than April's had. "... _Oh_."

"Yeah, oh." April answers, gently now. "So, uh... how we feeling about that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had such a hard time with this chapter for some reason. kept changing things and rewriting things and then putting it off. i didn’t even think i’d be done editing tonight, but somehow i pushed my way through
> 
> im gonna repeat what i said on tumblr in case you don’t follow me on there but, im going to take a couple weeks off from regularly updating so i can get back into the groove of writing. lately it’s been difficult. i like this story a lot, im happy with it and i want to finish, but its not going to come out how it should if im just forcing myself to do chapter after chapter. we’re getting closer to the ending and i want to enjoy writing it, so the plan’s to take a couple weeks off to get over this writers block and then i’ll get back to it
> 
> anyways, on a brighter note, today i was contacted about the tmnt reader’s choice awards! a lot of my stuff was nominated for a bunch of different categories, thank you guys so much!!! i know a couple ppl told me they nominated me but honestly i am still in shock. i appreciate it so much and you guys really made me smile, im so grateful for all of you and im really glad you like what ive been writing <3


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